Letters To My Daughter

What is Love?

2012-01-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Isabella,

Every night, as I rock you before bed, we pray together and I tell you that I love you. The thought occurred to me last night as I rocked you that you, in your still young mind, don't understand the full scope of what love is. So, I am going to attempt to paint for you a picture of love based on the experiences that you have had and know. There is no way to ever explain fully what love is, but I will do my best.

Love is battling infertility for over two years without turning back.
Love is carrying you for nine months, waiting for the day I would finally hold you.
Love is caring for your health, even before you were born.
Love is looking into the eyes of your newborn baby, getting teary-eyed, and then having butterflies in you stomach because life could not be better in that moment.
Love is holding your hand as you walk down the sidewalk.
Love is rocking you to sleep at night and cherishing the moments when we can cuddle.
Love is chasing you around the house while you giggle and run further away.
Love is getting up at all hours of the night to change your diaper, hold you, rock you, wipe your tears, and cuddle.
Love is wishing I could spend every moment with you, even when I have to go to work.
Love is that moment when you smile and me and my heart just melts.
Love is teaching you in the ways you should go.
Love is praying with you every night.
Love is praying FOR you every night.
Love is trading the morning news for a daily viewing of Sesame Street.
Love is sharing my bed with a squirmy toddler who wants to be wrapped up in Mommy's arms.
Love is carrying you around just because you want to be held by only Mommy.
Love is disciplining you and then giving you a hug.

Love is all of these things and so much more. Words cannot begin to truly define what love is. Only experiences can help you understand what love is. There are so many other experiences that could help you better understand what this "love" is that Mommy mentions every night and every morning. As you get older, you will better understand and I can add more experiences to help it make more sense for you. For now, I must go but remember, I love you forever.

Love,

Mom

Mommy's Little Explorer

2011-10-27T17:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

It's been such a long while since I last wrote you a letter. Things have been hectic and busy with the school year being underway again. But since you are quietly napping comfortably in your pack n' play, I can have a few moments to write you a letter.

I am so exciting to watch all the things you are doing these days. You always amaze me. As I watch you grow, change, mature, and develop, my heart can barely contain all the emotions I have for you. When I see the love you already have for your Daddy and for me, it truly melts my heart. You are such a Daddy's girl and although a small part of me misses the way you always wanted and needed me, I love to watch you play with Daddy, chase him around, and call out his name when you aren't sure where he went. Your face just lights up when he enters the room or comes home from work. You love Daddy so much that you basically kick me out of the house every morning when I'm getting ready for work. As soon as you are in Daddy's arms and Mommy dares to kiss him or you goodbye, you push me away and wave bye-bye to me! How dare I get in the way of your time with Daddy...too cute! I love things like that!

You still cuddle and snuggle with me. That is something I am so grateful for. You don't want to snuggle and cuddle as much, since you're always on the go. But those times when you do want to snuggle and cuddle, like every morning when Mommy is catching up with friends online and you want to catch up with sitting in Mommy's arms...that's a moment I enjoy. I love rocking you to sleep every night. Yes, I know, you really ought to be putting yourself to sleep once I lay you down in your crib, but I wouldn't give up my bedtime nursing and rocking you to sleep for anything! It's just part of the bedtime routine we've established with you.

Now, let's talk about this exploring business. I know you're off and running everywhere, but you need to start listening when we say " no" or even gently smack your hands after saying "no" more than twice. There are certain things that are almost like magnets. I think you must have a magnet in your body that attracts you to the printer, the telephone, the stairs, the dog's food, and anything in the kitchen. I know you like to explore, but you really can't be exploring the things that we've asked you to leave alone. It's just not nice. It's cute to watch you as you explore every nook and cranny of our house.

Back to how Mommy feels about you. I am just so much in love with you. I used to wonder how anyone could say that they love their child more than they have ever loved anyone ever before. I love my Mom, I love your Daddy. I love your Poppy. They are so very important and special to me. I love them dearly. But you, you take a special place in my heart. I know you would have a special place in my heart, no matter how I came to have you and know you. But I waited so long for you that you are beyond special and beyond wanted. You are so loved that my brain can't even find the words to write that would express the amount of love in my heart for you. I waited so long for you to join my life and reshape my world. Now that you are here and have blessed me with your beauty and love, my life has never been the same. For over a year now, my heart has been overwhelmed with such love.

I think you are waking up from your long, late afternoon nap. So for now, I'll wrap up this letter. Just remember that Mommy loves you beyond words. You are a blessing to all who know you. And for those who know the experiences I went through to be your Mommy, you are a blessing and very loved.

Love,
Mom

Hurricane Irene

2011-08-28T07:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

Last night, you slept through your very first hurricane. It's rare that we actually get a hurricane up here in New Jersey, but we did! It was scary, I won't lie to you about it. Mommy didn't get much sleep last night. I may have slept for about 3 hours. But you? You slept on the air mattress in between Mommy and Daddy. I first had you in your Pack n Play, but when the tornado warnings started, I scooped you up and first went into the closet (we camped out in the basement for the night) and then took you behind the bar.

Oh, honey, it was scary! I hope and pray that when you are a mom, you never have to fear a storm like that. There were so many tornado warnings in the area for three hours. We thankfully never got anything like that. The Lord protected us, for sure. It's been windy, and of course, it's been windy enough that a piece of siding fell from one of the homes in our unit, but we're still not sure if it's from our home or a neighbor's home. The trees are still standing (for now) and I'm praying that the Lord continues to protect us as we go through the rest of the day with the tail end of Irene the Beast.

Mommy is so glad that you slept through the storm. You were restless at times, but Mommy wasn't asleep anyway, so it was okay last night. I can't even begin to tell you how it feels to hear the warning messages on the TV for a tornado, pray that you don't lose power, scoop a baby up, and go hide somewhere safe. I was very fearful of what Irene had to offer us, none of the things we would ever want. I never want you to experience a night with that many scary tornadoes touching down everywhere. I have never experienced that before last night, and I really would prefer to never experience that again.

This morning, the flooding is insane. They knew all along that the flooding would be the main problem. I am thankful that we got less rain that originally predicted, but it's not a whole lot less and many roads are flooded. Mom-Mom and Poppy still have electricity, but the basement has flooded. Aunt Peggy is by a river, but they did open the flood gates, so hopefully, the river will not rise above flood stage, since she chose to stay home. But only God knows what will happen!!

Oh, Isabella, I am just so glad we were able to buy a home that has been our safe place, our refuge. It has kept us safe thus far, God will continue to watch over us. Right now, you are sleeping on Daddy's chest and it's just a beautiful thing. It's a picture of peace after the storm. I love you very much!

Love,
Mom

A New Year of Adventures

2011-08-02T15:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

I find myself watching you in awe each day. I am just amazed at your curiosity. You are my little adventure seeker. You are always trying to discover what is new, what the room, the world has to offer you. You certainly are a joy to watch, as you amuse yourself with every new thing you find.

In the past year, I have watched you go from this little baby who fit so nicely cradled into the crook of my elbow to a big girl who is almost walking on her own and sleeps on Mommy like a big girl would. I've watched you go from the little newborn nursling who would fall asleep at Mommy's breast to the toddler nursling who is so distracted by anything and everything that you need soft music and a soft blanket to really get a good feeding session going. I've watched you go from the little baby who would laugh and smile when Mommy laughed and smiled to the big girl who laughs at The Wonderpets and smiles when she finds a "lost" crunchy on the floor. I've watched you go from the baby who we could lay in her swing and let her sleep to the baby who wants to stand at the coffee table and walk around it to see what's good on the other side. So many changes!

In one year's time, you have 6 teeth, long and tan legs, beautiful blue eyes than never did get darker, and a smile than can melt anyone's heart. You have learned to talk and you have your set vocabulary right now. It's always exciting to hear you say another new word. You have temper tantrums that could rival any two year old's tantrums. That could be bad news for later on down the road, but we'll get there when we get there.

One year, 365 days, seems like a lifetime. Yet, your birthday came and went and you are no longer counting your age in months.

You spent your birthday grumpy and clingy, but with getting over the ear infection, being on the Augmentin, and all the hustle and bustle around here, I don't blame you for the clingy nature. You're still a bit clingy, but not as much. It's nice when you give Mommy a break, even if it's just to write a quick letter on here to you and then go back to playing with you. Your birthday on Thursday was nice. Your Poppy made you a very nice cake (okay, it was for Mommy, too, since I didn't get a birthday cake from Mom-Mom and Poppy this year and he makes GREAT cakes!). You loved it so much that you stole a layer of it off of Mommy's plate and shoved it in your mouth! You really seemed to enjoy that cake. You got many nice presents on Thursday, and it was just a nice family time together.

We celebrated your birthday again on Saturday with a big party. You really are a special little girl and we are blessed to have so many friends who came out to share with us in such a special occasion. For as long as we waited for you to greet us in the world, it's exciting to watch you grow up. But you greeted all of your friends and family with your grumpiness. Yes, Queen Fussypants was in the house for the party. You refused to go to anyone else and you refused to eat your food in your high chair unless Mommy sat right next to you. Mommy couldn't even get the party prepped. I am so thankful for your Grandma, Auntie Olivia, Auntie Mandy (we also call her Aunt DeeDee), Mom-Mom, and Daddy. They did so much to get everything ready while Mommy held you so you could take a short nap.

Your party was nice, you did eventually have a good time, even if you refused to let anyone else hold you. You looked adorable in your little tutu and I'm just so glad we were able to share with so many people.

Now, as you move on to your second year of life, I wonder what new adventures are in store for you! I'll be waiting and watching for all the exciting adventures to come!

Love,

Mommy

As You Turn One

2011-07-28T08:54:00.000-04:00

My Dearest Isabella Joy,

Today, you turn 1. It's amazing to look at you today and realize how much you have grown and changed over the past year. Every milestone you reach and every new experience that delights you puts a smile on my face. I just love to watch you explore. There is so much for you to explore these days. You're intrigued by everything. Yet, just one short year ago, you were a beautiful, healthy, newborn baby asleep in my arms. A year has brought so much change, so many smiles, and so many tears (good and bad).

You are getting over your 4th ear infection right now, just in time for your birthday. I know they make you miserable, but it's all part of this thing call "teething." You need those teeth, I promise you that it really won't be that bad. Once they are all in, you'll be able to eat so many wonderful things! You just have to suffer through the discomfort of those teeth coming through the gums and the ears that cause you great pains. Those ear infections? That would be a big source of the bad tears. You and Mommy both had a good cry on Sunday. You were feeling so miserable, with your fever and your hurting ears. And there was nothing Mommy could do to help you. Oh, I wanted to. It broke my heart to see you in pain. We both sat and sobbed together until the ear drops numbed the pain for you. Mommy NEVER likes to see you cry. Thankfully, the good doctors gave us some medicine to make your ear infection go away. So you're feeling all better already, just in time for all the birthday celebrations!

So, now that we have the small talk out of the way, let me tell you all about how you have made me feel this past year. There is nothing more joyous and amazing than holding your firstborn child in your arms for the very first time. I cried before I even held you. Since Mommy had to have surgery to have you, I didn't get to hold you right away. But Daddy did and he let me look at you and kiss your sweet face. I cried. Never before had my heart known such love. I didn't think it was possible to love something or someone so much. I had butterflies way down in my tummy and this sense of awe came over me. There you were, perfect, beautiful, mine. Yes, indeed, you were mine. Finally, my dream of becoming a mother had come true. Nothing prepares your heart for that moment. The emotions that fill you up are overwhelming. I'm teary eyed just writing to you about that moment.

It's hard to believe that was one short year ago. A year seems like short time. Yet, in the past year, you have made me love you even more than I thought possible a year ago! My love for you grows each and every day. Just when I thought I couldn't love anymore, I love you even more! My heart melts when you look me in the eyes and say in your soft voice, "Mama, Mama." In the past year, you have made me feel like the mom I always wanted to be. We snuggle (though a lot less than we used to), we cuddle (again a LOT less than we used to), and we play together. Your love for me is evident and that alone makes my heart sing. There is nothing quite like a mom and there is a special kind of relationship between a mother and her daughter. We'll grow into all the good things (and the bad) that come from that relationship as you grow older.

A year. Seems like such a short amount of time. Yet, in a year, you have gone from the fragile, tiny newborn in my arms to the rambunctious, adventurous one year old beauty you are today. All those milestones, all the changes, all the growing in just one short year. It's like a lifetime condensed into 365 days. In that span of time, my life has forever changed. Nothing, no part of me, will ever be the same. You make my life more joyous, you fill it with more laughter, and you make my heart smile more than I ever dreamed possible. I love you more than I ever did before. Happy Birthday, my sweet Isabella Joy!

Love,
Mom

Your First Year of Life

2011-07-15T21:08:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

It's been hectic around here as of late. I have not written you nearly as often as I should. And for that, I am sorry. But you keep me busy. You're crawling around everywhere and getting into a bit of trouble if I take my eyes off of you. So instead of writing you letters, I've been down on the floor playing with you. Right now, you are sound asleep on top of the first quilt Mommy ever made. You conked out early tonight, I didn't even have a chance to get you in your pajamas yet!

I find myself getting a little teary-eyed as I think about the fact that we are planning your first birthday party. It's so hard for me to believe that a year ago (almost), I truly became a mom when they placed you in my arms and you looked up at me with your newborn eyes, taking in whatever you could see. You were so tiny, so fragile. You were everything I had ever dreamed of and more. You had ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes. Your clear steely blue eyes were the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen (well, maybe next to your daddy's brown eyes). You were so little in my arms and yet so perfect. And now, somehow, a year has flashed before my eyes and I am planning your first party.

You amaze me with all the new things you can say and do. You constantly call out for Daddy. Of course, you also yell at him when you are in trouble or can't get your way. Your response when we say "no" is always "But DADADADADA...DADDY!!!!" It doesn't matter who says "no" to you. That is how you respond. You look straight at your Daddy with those sad little eyes. Let me tell you. Those sad little eyes don't work on your Daddy. Trust me. I know. But I love that you love your Daddy. He is one amazing man, that's for sure. You are one blessed little girl to have him in your life. He's a wonderful daddy. He takes great care of you and does a lot of things (like changing a diaper) that some dads refuse to do. He reads you bedtime stories, he sings to you, he gets on the floor and plays with you. You giggle at him so much. You are so smitten with your daddy. Of course, so am I, so I totally understand that. You have discovered your inner rooster, which is so amusing to me. After our most recent trip to see your Great Grandma an Great Grandpa in Kentucky, you came home crowing like the rooster. Too bad I can never seem to get it on video! You're on the go all the time, crawling everywhere. It's only a matter of time before you are walking. Hard to believe that my little baby is no longer little and no longer a baby. You have become a little girl in the blink of an eye.

I used to chuckle a little when people would always say to enjoy every moment of the first year because it will fly by. I thought "it's a whole year. How fast is a year really going to go?" Little did I know that it really would fly by. It's the most important year in your life, it's when you experience most of your firsts and thankfully, I haven't missed those. But this year has gone by so quickly.

So as your Daddy and I plan your first birthday party (which will be a wonderful celebration!), I just want you to know that I have cherished every moment of this first year. I wouldn't change a thing about it. I'm so blessed to have you as my baby girl. You melt my heart with your snuggles and your baby kisses. My life has been forever changed by your presence in it. I love you, Isabella Joy!

Love,
Mom

Closer To Walking

2011-06-17T15:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

You are growing up so quickly. There are days where I wish I could bottle up the first year and keep you in it forever. But I know I just can't do that. Like all good things (wine, cheese, babies), they get better with age. You are so different than you were a few months ago, but you are so amazing. Everything you do is exciting, adventurous, always changing. I love to watch you explore new things, discover your abilities, and venture into new activities. It's exciting as a mom to watch my baby grow up before my eyes. Every moment I get to spend with you is just amazing. I'm so thankful for the time I get to spend with you, especially now that summer is here. I get to spend every moment possible with you and I'm just thrilled about the chance to watch all the firsts you still have in store.

Speaking of firsts! You are closer and closer every day to walking on your own. You love to walk around the house, but you just can't do it on your own. You wait for Mommy or Daddy to take your hands so you can guide us where you want to go. It is always so exciting to watch where you guide us. It's only a matter of time before you take your first steps on your own. And then we better all watch out! You're going to be trouble on two feet!

I just look forward to that day and although I want to keep you as my little baby forever, all things grow and change. That's part of what makes life so exciting. I'll be waiting for those changes as you grow!

Love,
Mom

A Mommy's Girl

2011-05-27T15:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

It is true, you are a Mommy's girl (at least for now). I was always a Mommy's girl myself. I loved to spend time with my mom more than anything else. I'm still a Mommy's girl and I'm almost 32 years old. You're never too old to be a Mommy's girl. I'm very smitten with you and I'm so glad you are smitten with me, too. There is nothing quite like your sweet cuddles, your baby kisses, and your smiles and laughs just for me.

With that said, Izzy, it's time we had a chat. You have made yourself a little too in love with Mommy. You don't like to be held by many other people. You have separation anxiety when I leave to use the bathroom or get a shower. You don't like to fall asleep in my arms and then wake up and realize you are no longer in my arms. All these things lead to the royal diva's tantrum. Really, this needs to stop soon. I try to do nothing to encourage it, but it doesn't matter what I do or how many times we have a chat about it. You just don't listen, you just want Mommy! I'm glad to love me so much that only I can make all the tired tears go away and I'm the only one who can comfort you when someone looks at you wrong (yes, you can be very sensitive when you are sleepy!). But it's time to spread the wealth a little, give your Daddy some of this same love.

Okay, my love, all teasing aside, you are such a joy to have. I never expected to be blessed with a baby as sweet, tender, and loving as you. You snuggle with me. You cuddle with me. You share baby kisses with me. You like to just hang on my arms or rest your head on my legs. You are already so loving and so devoted. There are no words to truly express how it feels to be your Mommy, to be needed, wanted, and loved by you. I wouldn't trade in the middle of the night feeding sessions, the rocking you to sleep, the cuddling/snuggling/hugging away the grumpiness. I love every moment. Ten months of those tender moments and yet, it feels like you've always been right here with me. I guess that's because you've always been in my heart.

Love,
Mom

Sunshine and Spring

2011-05-18T21:10:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

I have discovered (with some help from Mom-Mom) that you love the outdoors. I always knew you would be an outdoor baby. You just get so excited to be in your stroller and go on walks in the evening with Daddy, Angel, and me. Angel doesn't always like a tag-along when she's on a walk to take care of business, but she can get over it. You are just a little adventurer. There's something about the sunshine and spring flowers that catches your attention, gains giggles, and receives smiles.

My darling, I love that you love being outside. I have a love of nature (not quite the same as your Aunt M. does). I just love to sit in the quietness and peacefulness of nature. Mom-Mom's house is perfect for that. You can watch the horses, sit on the swing (once it gets hung) with Mom-Mom and Poppy, go for a walk around the house or to the back field, and play in the dirt. Being outside is something you will love even more when you learn how to walk without my help. But for now, I enjoy watching you sit in the grass, so intrigued by what you see, the feeling of the grass, the flowers that surround you, and the sounds that you hear. I can only imagine how our spring and summer adventures will be for years to come!

Love,
Mom

The Night Before Mother's Day

2011-05-07T18:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

It's the evening before Mother's Day and I realized I haven't written a letter to you in a while. I must admit that you do keep me quite busy! But I wouldn't trade a moment of that time spent with you for some time to write a letter on a computer. No, my moments with you mean so much more than sitting here typing a letter. As I write you this letter, you are happily playing in your jumperoo watching Sprout. At least it keeps you entertained so I can have some Mommy time.

The past nine months have so quickly vanished and instead of a little baby who fits so snugly into the crook of my arm, you are a growing, budding little girl who calls out "Mama" and laughs at anything that is funny. I have watched you go from being just a mere dream, a thought of things to come, to a child in my arms in a hospital room-meeting for the first time, to a sweet little nine-month-old who has quite a sassy personality. It's been one exciting journey watching you grow so far.

As Mother's Day approaches tomorrow, I wanted to thank you for loving me the way you do. For all those years that I dreamed of being a mom, and all the years I spent trying to reach that dream, having you, loving you, and cherishing our moments together makes this Mother's Day that much more special. Isabella, I had almost given up hope of us ever being together, of ever being a Mom. I had no idea what God had in store for me. I had no idea that His plan was to bring you into my life. I carried you for nine months and even that couldn't have prepared me for how much I love you, how much I adore you. You make the sun shine even brighter and you make the world that much sweeter. You make me so overjoyed to be a mom.

Being your mom is the most amazing experience. I'll admit that you don't always make it an easy experience. These ear infections and colds have certainly tested my ability to get sleep when I'm worried about my baby. It's tested my willingness to get up all hours of the night to nurse and console my very upset little girl. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've learned a lot about myself as a mom through all of that. I've also learned a lot about your Mom-Mom and what she must have gone through as a young mom. I'll tell you a secret-I was the same as you with the ear infections! I never knew how your Mom-Mom did it, but I'm learning as we go that there is no secret to how to get through it all, you just do it! I'm a mom and my job is loving you, taking care of you, and making you happy!

So, as Mother's Day approaches, I wanted to thank you for being my child, for helping this journey as a Mom seem to amazing. It is a beautiful experience and I'm so blessed to be a Mother. I love you very much and I'm so blessed and thankful to be your mother.

Love,
Mom

A New House!

2011-03-22T20:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

This weekend, we moved into a beautiful new house. I can't wait to make new memories with you in this house! This house was chosen with you (and maybe a future sibling in a few years) in mind. I set your room up on move-in day, but we didn't get a chance to paint yet. We'll paint it over Easter break. I'm so excited to see you grow up in your room and really start to enjoy it.

It was a busy weekend with all the moving. Everyone was so excited to see you here and enjoying the hustle and bustle. You got to play in the basement with your Poppy and get some good napping time in. It was fun all around for you!

I'm just so excited to be able to watch you grow in this home, to fill it with your laughter and smiles. It's going to see so many exciting things that you have yet to experience with us. A new house is more than just a building, it's a chance to make new memories, have new experiences, enjoy new adventures, and create many firsts. This is the home where you will have many of your firsts and I'm just so excited and looking forward to watching those firsts and enjoying you as you grow here. God has richly blessed us by giving us you and now we are richly blessed again with this house for you to enjoy.

Love,
Mommy

Last Week in This Home!

2011-03-13T14:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

This is your last week in the apartment you've known as home since before you were born. It's an exciting and a scary time. Packing is going slowly, but you sure do keep us from getting as much done as we could. It's an interesting time around here and you do a great job of keeping us laughing and trying to keep calm with all the nervous excitement.

It's a scary time because everything is all new. Mommy hasn't moved since Daddy and I moved into this apartment almost 7 years ago. It's not an easy thing to pack everything up. It's especially hard when all I want to do is play with you and keep you from getting upset. I'm sure you've noticed the boxes, but I'm thankful that you are so little still. You don't really understand what is going on. And that's a good thing. You just watch us hustle around trying to get things done and sometimes, you laugh at us because you think it's so funny.

This certainly is a very exciting thing, moving into a bigger home. You're almost guaranteed to have your own bedroom. You have your own bedroom now and certainly will at the new home, at least for now. But we'll see if that stays that way when Mommy and Daddy decide it's time for a bigger family. But you've got time to enjoy your new home and your new room without anyone bothering you.

Five more days, Isabella, and then we'll be moving all of our things into our new home. We can start a full life with a REAL home for you, our little princess. We want to give you every little thing we can. This is a big dream we had, to give our baby girl a nice, new, big home where you could dream, play, imagine, and create new things. I'm excited to see you grow up in it!

Love,
Mommy

Approaching Seven Months

2011-02-22T20:51:00.000-05:00

My Dearest Isabella,

You are quickly approaching seven months. So much has changed and continues to change every single day. I'm just in awe of how God has created such a beautiful child and allowed me to raise her (you). I'm certainly blessed richly because I have you as a part of my life. I watch all the new things that you do, like play with my hair, reach for your Daddy to pick you up, giggle for minutes at a time, and stalk the dog. I am just amazed with all the changes that happen daily. My love for you grows stronger every single day. I never knew I could open my heart to love someone so deeply, so richly, and so unconditionally. You cry yet I never get mad at you for it. You get mad at something we do yet we just let you get mad and try to soothe you.

Right now, you are fast asleep in your swing. You had your six month shots yesterday (yes, Daddy and I are a few weeks behind with your well baby checkups, but because of the shots, we can't make them an earlier than they end up being). You've been so sleepy from your shots. But I could watch you sleep all night. I love the peaceful look on your face and the way you can just lay there in the swing and not be disturbed by all the noises around.

My cuddles and snuggles with you are getting even better than they ever were. I didn't think there could be anything better than holding a newborn. And then you were a month old and I didn't think it could get any better. But very month, all my experiences with you have surpassed any expectations or dreams I had. You are just amazing in every way!

I can't wait to see what is in store in the months and years down the road. But for right now, I'll just watch you sleep, wonder what you're dreaming about, and love you in every way I know how.

Love,
Mom

Six Months Has Come Already!

2011-02-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Isabella,

It's so hard to believe that six months has already come upon us. So much has changed and continues to change as time goes on. You are doing so many exciting things now. It still seems like mere hours ago that you entered my world, changed me forever. I don't remember life without you. It's as though you have always been with me, always been a part of me. I think in some ways, you always were a part of me. You were my dream, my wish, my prayer. And for six months now, you have been my answered prayer, my dream and wish come true! It's so hard to believe that you are already six months old. Time flies too quickly. There are days where I just wish I could stop time, soak in every moment, absorb it like a sponge. But time marches on and so does your growth. It's just amazing to watch you, to see all that you do that's new each day.

Tonight, you're sleeping soundly in your big girl crib for the first time. Of course, Mommy is nervous about it and in some ways, sad. It means you're growing up already, growing up to the point of not needing to be in the same room as me all night long. You've been sleeping through the night since October, but in some ways, it feels like I'm not as needed as I was before. Not the truth, but it's just a Mommy moment.

Well, my love, it seems I spoke too soon and you are now awake and nursing again. So I must go and start bedtime again with you.

Love,
Mom

You Are My Joy!

2011-01-19T15:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Isabella,

You bring me so much joy every day. No words can quite describe the blessing God has given me by letting me be your Mom. You do so many exciting things these days. I love to listen to you chat away with your toys, the ceiling, and the dog. You put so many smiles on my face. I just love every moment I get to spend with you.

We dedicated you to the Lord in church this past Sunday. And although at your age of almost 6 months, you have no idea what even happened, some day you will. We vowed to raise you in a Christian home, where we teach you about God, encourage you to serve others, and allow you to have a personal relationship with Jesus. It was an exciting moment for your Daddy and me. It reminded me of how much I went through in order to conceive you. Pastor Mark made mention of a lot of things, including how we really had almost given up hope in conceiving a child but God had your time planned out already.

Isabella Joy, you are my joy. I am more beautiful because of you. Before you, I had self esteem issues. I disliked a lot of things about myself. I didn't want to look in the mirror too often. I just felt like an ugly duckling. Something about motherhood changed all of that. You make me beautiful. You make me smile more, dance more, and give me an overabundance of joy in my heart. I love you beyond words, beyond description. The only way I can describe it is that I love you like flowers love the rain and sunshine, like sequins love the Mummers, and like peanut butter loves jelly. We just go together, you and I. You are my joy!

Love,
Mom

Your First Christmas

2010-12-27T21:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Isabella,

We celebrated your first Christmas a few days ago. What a magical time for our little family! Your dad and I have waited for this day for so long. We had two Christmases that came and went without any hopes of you. Last year, we were expecting you. So this year, we were able to hold you in our arms, spoil you, delight in you. You are such a joy!

This year, you were able to celebrate the day with Mommy, Daddy, Mom-Mom, Poppy, Aunt Amy, Aunt Dana, Uncle Perry, your cousin Dylan, Mr. Jay, and Mr. Bob. It was a special day. Everyone wanted to hold you, play with you, and love on you. Even Dylan wanted to play with you. Next year, if Dylan makes it up to visit, you'll be able to play with him. It was tough this year for him to play with you. But it was so much fun watching him try!

You are the best gift anyone could ask for this Christmas. The smile you put on our faces is priceless. There have been so many exciting things we've done with you this season! You worked the church Nativity with Mommy. I work as a hostess every year greeting the thousands of people who come to walk through our Living Nativity. This year, I strapped you in to the carrier and you helped me! It was awesome. We also took you to see Santa. The most awesome part is that Santa was at the farm and the pictures were free as long as we brought our own camera! Such a priceless picture. You attended your first Christmas Eve service at Mom-Mom and Poppy's church. And then, on Christmas morning, we took you with us to The Evergreens where Mommy and Daddy play the music for the church service every year. It's important to us that you grow up realizing that Christmas is not just a day for your own family, but a day to serve other families, as well.

Oh, Isabella, I'm just so in love with you! Christmas has come and gone this year and it was a very special time. Next year, you'll understand more about the birth of Jesus. When we read you your Christmas Eve book about the first Christmas and we let you listen to Mom-Mom and Poppy reading your other book about the first Christmas, you will be able to understand the true meaning of Christmas. Sure, presents are great. Family time is special. But the true meaning of Christmas is about a baby. A baby born in Bethlehem. A baby born and laid in a manger. A baby who would one day save the world. Next year, we'll be able to explain to you all about Jesus. You'll be able to set up a nativity scene with us and place Jesus in the manger. This Christmas was special, but next Christmas will be special, too!

Thank you for blessing us so much this Christmas. Thank you for the cuddles and the smiles on Christmas morning. I love you and my heart just overflows with the joy you give me each and every day.

Love,

Mom

Christmas is Coming!

2010-12-18T14:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Isabella,

It is still so hard to believe that you have been with us for so long already. Time surely flies in the blink of an eye. It feels like just yesterday, I held you for the first time, kissed you for the first time on your rosy little cheeks, snuggled with you for the first time, and nursed for the first time. Yet, it's been almost 5 months already. And so much has changed!

Every day, you just amaze me. You're doing so many neat new things and watching you grow and develop before my own eyes is just such a delight. I could listen to your baby talk all day long. Your giggling makes my heart melt. You are just so delightful! You're always smiling, always happy, and always seeking something to entertain yourself. I think you're going to be my little adventure seeker before long.

So with Christmas coming, I just wanted to tell you some things I am looking forward to this year. I'm looking forward to letting you play with your stocking (and of course, the things in the stocking). I'm looking forward to you opening all of your presents. Mommy and Daddy are going to wrap them up and you get to help unwrap them all (just like you did with the present Uncle Nic and Aunt Malinda sent you). I'm looking forward to our first family picture with a baby by the Christmas tree at Mom-Mom and Poppy's house. Last year, it was Daddy and Mommy and you were in my belly but nobody could tell. So this year, we get to hold you for all to see. I'm looking forward to taking you to church for your first Christmas Eve service.

My darling baby, I love all the new adventures we are going on. I love watching all the new things you do. Each day is so wonderful spending it with you. There is nowhere else I want to be than wherever it is that you are. I love you very much and this Christmas will be so much more special because God has blessed us with you!

Love,

Mom

Thanksgiving Blessings

2010-11-27T19:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Isabella,

We celebrated a wonderful Thanksgiving on Thursday this year. It was amazing to share it with you. Last year, it was on Thanksgiving that your daddy and I discovered that we were expecting you. It was an exciting day. But nothing is more exciting than sitting next to you at the dinner table. I am thankful for the blessings you have given us as a family. You came into our lives and gave us so much more to be thankful for. You make us all smile. You give us the blessing of being parents. Nothing compares to the love that fills your heart when you are a parent.

So, as we start another year with things to be thankful for, I already have a short list to start. I'm thankful for being able to decorate for Christmas with you in my arms. I'm thankful for all the changes you are enduring. You are growing so quickly! I'm thankful for the love your daddy constantly gives us both. From girl to girl, it's going to be hard sometimes for your daddy to have patience for us. But he's doing well so far!

I'm just so thankful that God has blessed us with you. You are no longer an idea. You are no longer a plus sign on a pregnancy test. You are no longer just a surge in hormones. You are real. You are a child. You are MY child. I can hold you, hug you, cuddle with you, kiss you, snuggle with you, tickle you, and love you. I can look at you, watch you as you smile, and listen to you as you giggle. God truly is great and has blessed us richly this year.

Love,
Mom

My Little Princess

2010-11-11T17:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Isabella,

Yesterday marked a happy 15 weeks in your life. It's so exciting to watch as you grow so big and do more and more things. I can't even explain the joy I have with you in my life. God has blessed our little family so greatly with you. I am just so thrilled to wake up every morning and see your beautiful face. I love to see your big blue eyes just glowing when you see Daddy or me. It always makes my day even more special.

My darling baby, you are just so precious. Although I'm not so thrilled with these early morning wake up calls this past week, you are still my precious little princess. You bring more joy, meaning, and laughter into my life. I have that joy I waited for. You ARE the joy I waited for! Oh, the waiting! I knew that waiting for God's time would yield something special, but I had no idea it would be something this special. You are just the sunshine in all of our lives.

I love you so much, Isabella. I'm just so thrilled to have you, to spend my evenings cuddling with you. Thank you for making my life as a Mom so special and so exciting!

Love,

Mommy

10 Weeks Already

2010-10-07T12:01:00.000-04:00

My Dear Sweet Isabella,

I can hardly believe that you have been with us for ten weeks now. Yesterday marked your ten week birthday. It still feels like yesterday when I first held you in my arms and felt love like I never felt before. There are no words to describe the feeling a mother has when she holds her very first child in her arms. I waited so long to meet you, hold you, kiss you, snuggle with you. And when that moment finally came, my heart overflowed with so many emotions. I still feel those emotions now.

You are so different now than you were in the very beginning. Like all babies, you have already taken on a personality so unique. You are my little cuddler. You love cuddle time with Mommy and Daddy. Those moments are marvelous! I love cuddling with you. You are so full of smiles and giggles now, too. Your smile melts my heart. You are ticklish, too. I love to tickle your tummy and watch you smile.

My heart is a little broken with having to go back to work in a week. But Sweet Isabella, I have enjoyed my time here at home with you. I'm so glad we had the extra snuggles, cuddles, kisses, and bonding time. Now, you'll get that time with your Mom-Mom and Poppy. I know you'll enjoy spending time with them while Mommy and Daddy work. You've made my life so special and I am forever changed because of you.

Love,
Mom

All the Things I Love

2010-09-14T15:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

It's been a while since Mommy has had a chance to write you a letter. But you sure keep me busy! I wanted to tell you all the things I love about you, even though you are just approaching your seven-week birthday. So here's a short list:

♥ I love the way you snuggle with me during your afternoon cat naps.
♥ I love your little noises that you make when you sleep.
♥ I love your little dimples that match your Daddy's.
♥ I love your silky soft hair.
♥ I love the smiles you give your Daddy when he gets home from work.
♥ I love our bonding time when you are nursing.
♥ I love taking you on walks in the evening.
♥ I love seeing you in all your new clothes.
♥ I love showing you off to everyone who wants to look at you.
♥ I love touching your baby soft skin.
♥ I love kissing your super cute round cheeks.
♥ I love watching you sleep peacefully.
♥ I love carrying you around everywhere I go.
♥ I love your sweet cooing sounds when you are so happy.

There is so much more I could write, but since you are laying in my arms, typing is rather difficult! Mommy loves you so much!!

Love,
Mom

Forever Changed

2010-08-18T13:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

I cannot believe how much life has changed since you arrived three weeks ago. I used to wonder how new parents did it, how they just changed their life around when a baby changed their world. But it's just one of those things that changes itself. Life will never be the same since you have come into my life.

I love to spend my time with you. Even though you are still so little, and there's nothing that you play with yet, you've started to recognize the sound of your name. Whenever I say your name, you look in my general direction. You know my voice so well. You and I have shared many conversations, of course I'm the only one doing the talking right now. I love how you can sleep for an hour or two just laying on my chest, wrapped or covered in a blanket. There is no better feeling than snuggles and cuddles with you.

Your daddy is forever changed, too. He's a pro at changing your diaper already. He loves his snuggles and cuddles from you. When he snuggles with you, he likes to nap at the same time. There's nothing sweeter than a little Daddy/Baby nap time. I love to see how content you are just sleep in your daddy's arms. Some little girls never get to meet their daddy, whether it's because those daddies choose to leave or because they are longer here (like your Uncle John). I hope and pray that you grow up to cherish the moments you get to spend with your daddy. He's so in love with you and I know you already love him.

I just wanted to thank you, Isabella, for coming into my world, for giving me so much joy. My life is unbelievably changed and I wouldn't ever ask for it to go back to the way it was. My sleepless nights are worth it. Yes, Mommy gets frustrated sometimes when you won't go back to sleep easily after a middle of the night feeding, but I dreamed of these days for so long. And now you are here and life is forever changed. Thank you for changing my life!

Love,

Mom

The Blessing of You

2010-08-07T11:15:00.000-04:00

My Dearest Isabella,

I have been meaning to write to you since the day you arrived, but life has been very busy. You've now been with us for about ten days. In those ten days, you have changed my life completely. I couldn't ask for a better blessing than you. God certainly knew that this was the right time for you to enter my life.

I want to tell you all about the first day I laid eyes on you. Mommy had to have surgery to have you, since you didn't seem to get the memo that babies should be head down in order to come out of Mommy's body. But that's okay, Isabella, I was in great hands. Miss Nancy from church even came to the hospital on her day off to assist as a nurse with the surgery. It was scary, I won't lie to you. Mommy had never had surgery before, so the mere thought of scalpels and stitches and blood was very frightening. But nothing was going to keep me from getting to you.

You certainly made Dr. L earn his pay check on July 28th! He did an ultrasound less than an hour before the c-section to see where you were. You decided to move head down. Silly baby, you should have already been head down! I opted for the surgery anyway. I didn't want to wait much longer to hold you in my arms. Lucky for Mommy, the surgery went on as planned...except you weren't where Dr. L last saw you. Being the wiggle worm you are, you had moved! He had to do an extra cut in Mommy's uterus so that he could get you out. You didn't want to come out, though, you kept dodging his hands. Finally, he pulled you out into the world. But Mommy heard no crying. I panicked. But the nurses later said you were looking all around, confused and a bit scared. Then, when you realized you weren't going back in, you started crying. It was music to Mommy's ears. See, with the surgery, Mommy couldn't see anything, so the crying made it real. I knew you were out, you were mine, and my heart was so overjoyed.

Your daddy got to hold you almost right away. I know you stopped crying as soon as he held you. You knew his voice from the very beginning. Then, they brought you over to me so I could see you. What a rush of joy. I was so overcome with joy that I just cried. My blessing from God was finally here!

In the past week, you have blessed our lives immensely. Everyone is in love with you. You are healthy, lovable, quiet, and cute. You're this perfect little baby wrapped up in a package of tan skin with brown hair. How could I not love you more and more with each passing day! God certainly knew you were needed in all of our lives and here you are, already blessing those around. Lots of people know how much it took to conceive you and they know why we call you "Isabella Joy." It means "God's promise of joy." No other words can express how it feels to hold you, kiss your sweet face, touch your tiny hands and feet, and hold you and rock you to sleep.

Mommy looks forward to all the blessings you will bring into all of our lives. You are just perfect in every way. That's why this scripture expresses how Mommy feels perfectly. "

Every good and perfect gift is from above." ~ James 1:17

Love,
Mom

A Mother's Wish

2010-07-25T17:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

Time is coming closer to when we finally get to meet each other face to face. This is the day I have prayed for, dreamed of, wished for for three long years. There are no words to describe the emotions I have right now, as I wait in anticipation to hold you in my arms at last. I am nervous about so many things and yet the single thought of hearing your cries and coos and seeing your beautiful face makes all my fears seem to melt away.

In less than three days, Izzy, I can finally see your perfect little fingers and toes. I can watch you sleep and know that you are a gift to your daddy and me. I can make you smile, hear your cries, and know that God has blessed me richly with your little life. In less than three days, God's plans for me as a mother will begin with you.

My wish for you as I wait in anticipation is that you would know how much I have waited for you, prayed for you, and dreamed of you. My wish is that you would always know the love that surrounds you from your dad, me, and all of our family and friends. You have been wanted and prayed over by more people than you will ever know. My wish is that you would know how blessed we are to have you in our lives. We have been blessed throughout the past three years, with waiting to conceive you and then with waiting these past nine months to finally meet you. We are so blessed by you. My wish is that you will grow up to know that we are very much wanted and loved. There isn't a single ounce of my heart than doesn't well up with emotion when I think of all the adventures that await us as you grow older. My wish for you is that you always know you are special. God created you with nobody else in mind. You are made for a purpose and that is to serve Him. You are a gift from Him and we are blessed by that gift.

Oh, Isabella, soon I will hold you in my arms. Soon I can kiss your sweet cheeks and touch your soft baby skin. Soon, I can hold you in my arms, rock you to sleep, and sing you lullabies. Until then, my sweet child, I will be waiting in anticipation.

Love,
Mom

I Can Hardly Wait!

2010-07-20T10:36:00.000-04:00

My Dear Isabella,

Your scheduled arrival date is now set for July 28th. Since you like to tumble around and wiggle so much, you aren't in the position they want to see you in. So I have a surgery date and time in place, just in case you don't do what you should. That day is a week from tomorrow. Oh, Isabella, words cannot express the joy in my heart as I anxiously wait for your arrival.

There was a time where I really thought this day may never greet me. I was in a place where my faith was shaken a bit and I wanted to be in control of when and how you would be conceived. I gave all that to God, laid it at His feet. I had to give up my dream of a child in MY time. It's when I was able to lay down my dreams that God took over control and kept to His promise of a child. We prayed so hard for you before you were ever conceived. We prayed for you when we first decided to start a family. God has granted our wish for a child by blessing us with you. We have been so blessed already by your life and you aren't even outside the womb yet!

Oh, my darling child, I cannot fathom the joy that awaits me when they first lay you in my arms. Oh how I cannot stand the anticipation of that moment! I'm teary-eyed just thinking of how I will feel when I hold you, kiss you, hug you, and see you for the first time. I can't wait to touch your ten perfect little fingers, to kiss your soft baby skin, to rock you to sleep in my arms. There are no words to really express how it feels to be waiting in such anticipation for that moment. What's more is that I will be so filled with love and joy when I see your Daddy hold you for the first time. He's been waiting for you for so long. He's like a child waiting for an exciting vacation. His sleep has been broken with thoughts of you.

It has been such a long journey to get us to this day of waiting. But every step of that journey was worth the pain, the sorrow, the fear, and the tears. Those are all things that were part of the path God placed us on. There are no words for how thankful I am for all that it took to conceive you. I'm thankful for the tears, for the pain, for the fear of never meeting you. It is through all of those experiences that I am able to appreciate the blessing of your life. You were promised to us three years ago when your Dad and I first prayed about a family. And in a week, we will finally meet you, God's promise to us. I love you, you are the joy of my heart!

Love,

Mom

A Letter From Your Daddy

2010-07-20T10:25:00.000-04:00

This is a letter written the other night when your Daddy couldn't sleep.

My Dear Isabella,

I'm writing to you as I wait for you to come into this world. Your entire family is awaiting your arrival more than you will ever know. By the time you read this, you will hopefully be a healthy, vibrant young lady. But just ten months ago, your Mother and I thought we might never see you.

While you may have already heard from us how hard it was to conceive you, words cannot express the pain and sorrow we had in our hearts. It took so long to conceive you-almost two and a half years-that your Mother gave up almost all hope. It took a team of doctors eleven months to find out how to conceive you. Most parents never go through that, and I hope that when you grow up, you'll never go through it, either.

You can only imagine the joy in our hearts when we woke up Thanksgiving morning to find out your Mom was pregnant! Since then, you have had so many people rooting for you. Your family, many of our friends, people we work with, and even random people who heard our story started praying for you. They all prayed that you would make it safe and sound, nine months later, into this world.

That's why we named you "Isabella Joy." When we first decided to name you, the name "Isabella" came to mind because we found that it means "God's Promise." We gave you the middle name "Joy" because of the joy you have brought to our family.

However, Isabella can also mean "Consecrated to God," and I pray that you will be consecrated to the Lord. Rephrasing Samuel 1:27-28, "We prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him. So now, we give you to the Lord. For your whole life, you will be given over to the Lord." You are a special child, Isabella, and every day we will hope and pray that you will grow up not only loving the Lord, but serving Him as well.

Someday soon, we'll tell you the whole story of everything it took to bring you into this world, but for now, we hope that you understand that your Heavenly Father wanted you so much that He waited until now for you to be born. He could have given us a child much sooner, but then we would never have had you, and you will always be special in our hearts.

May you always know that you are loved,
And that you learn how to share God's love with others.
May you always know that you are blessed,
And one day, bless others in His name.
May you always know that you are God's gift to us,
And one day, give unto others as He has given to you.

Signed,

Your Earthly Father

Keep Baking, Little One!

2010-07-08T11:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

It's been quite an interesting adventure, this last month. You certainly keep life interesting, never a dull moment. I'm so thankful that you are still baking and are showing no signs that you want to come out any time. Keep doing that, you're not ready to come out yet!

So, I have to be honest with you, Izzy. I'm so excited to meet you and hold you soon. But I'm so nervous about the process of labor. I scheduled a c-section today for July 28th just in case you decide to not change positions. You have yourself wedged into a very awkward and seemingly dangerous position. You might want to think about moving, since Mommy really would love to pop you out instead of having surgery to get you out. So although I want you to keep baking, I would really like it if you could move into the correct position for birth. You don't have a lot of time left!

Your room is all set up and ready for you now. We're just waiting on your arrival. But really, there is no rush. You still have a few weeks left before you need to arrive. So just take your time and relax in there. I love getting to see you twice a week at doctor's appointments. That is more than enough for now, since I really want you to bake longer. You're getting bigger, stronger, and healthier. Soon, you'll be ready to greet the big world with your sweet self. I may be impatient and say I can't wait, but I'm waiting and I want to wait as long as I have to for you. I love you, Little One!!

Love,
Mom

Only 7 More Weeks!

2010-06-15T09:49:00.001-04:00

Dear Isabella,

This has been the most amazing journey getting to know you before I even get to hold you. I am so much in love with you already. I had come to a place in my life where I was content knowing that God may not bless me with being a mom. And then, he blessed me with the gift of you. Each time I get to see you on an ultrasound monitor, it melts my heart. If I love you this much now, just wait until the first time I can hold you in my arms...

Having a 3D/4D ultrasound was amazing. I can't believe we could see you so well. Your chubby cheeks are the most adorable thing. I must admit that I don't like when you put your entire leg over your head. This is the reason my back hurts at the end of the day. I wish you wouldn't do that, but I know space is getting tight and cramped in there.

Hang in there for 7 more weeks, Izzy. We'll get to meet face to face soon enough. I'm excited about that day, but I'm waiting patiently. Just be nice in the meantime, no kicking me near the ribs. And please learn to calm down when it's bed time!

Love,
Mom

Practicing Olympic Sports

2010-05-29T09:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Isabella,

Mommy has decided that you are going to be an Olympic star. With all the fancy moves you perform anymore, there really is no other profession planned out for you. You swim all the time. Your kicks are getting stronger, so I'm not sure which sport you want to play. You should know ahead of time that your Daddy is pretty stern about cheerleading. He says you're not doing it, so stop practicing all the crazy daredevil jumps. Don't think I can't feel them. I may not see what you are doing, but I feel it all!

Of course, I'm also wondering if you're practicing your future career as a beach bum. You seem to enjoy laying right on my bladder, so I guess you like being near the water to relax. But please stop laying on my bladder. It's really not comfortable.

Maybe you're going to be a musician...organist to be specific. You do like to kick my bladder, which is an organ.

Okay, Isabella, ease up on the practicing of your sports moves. Mommy really doesn't like it all the time. Your feet are bigger and so you are. So be nice.

Love,
Mom

Everything Is About You!

2010-04-23T18:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Baby Girl,

How does it feel for everything to be about you right now? You are so special and so important. All of our planning is about you. All of our cleaning and rearranging is to prepare for you. There are no words to express our joy in anticipation of your August arrival. We keep cleaning more, planning, putting things in our registry created just for you.

We are so excited to know that you are growing, changing, getting closer to your arrival in this big world. But, Baby Girl, we need to have our first real Mother/Daughter conversation. Last night, you were quite the naughty child. We need to set some ground rules. When Mommy wants to go to sleep, that does not mean it's time for you to play. Last night, your Daddy was writing a very important email to your Grandmom and it was getting very late. Mommy was tired. But you wouldn't let me sleep. I don't know if you were disco dancing or what, but Saturday Night Fever needs to wait until it's day time.

Now that we have cleared the air about that, your Daddy and I are so excited to know you are growing and doing well. I can't wait to hold you in a few months. But until then, I will love the bonding time you and I have with each other.

Love,
Mom

My Baby Girl

2010-03-27T18:39:00.000-04:00

My Dearest Baby Girl,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a little bit, but it's been quite the rough week. This week, a good friend died in a very bad car accident. His wife is having a baby, too, just a month after you come. So it's been a week full of many tears. My joy of knowing you are a girl came only a number of hours before the news of J.'s death.

But, keeping it happy, Baby Girl, your dad and I are leaning towards Isabella Joy. Your daddy is so excited about this because he wants to nickname you "Izzy Gillespie." With being a trumpet player and having the appreciation for brass, your dad just gets enjoyment out of those types of things. Either way, if we do choose Isabella, we'll call you "Izzy."

I've been looking at different things for you, like a high chair and car seat. But more importantly, your daddy twisted my arm into wanting girly bedding. So we settled on this adorable set that is lavender/mauve/pink with butterflies. It's called "Sugar Plum." It will suit you perfectly! I'm so excited!!

So I discovered this week that you like brass music! J. was a tuba player, so at his celebration service, there was a lot of brass music. Your daddy played the trumpet with our church's brass ensemble. The louder the brass music was, the more you were dancing around and kicking me gently. I'm so excited that you are responding to music because your daddy and I are both musicians. I'm hoping you'll grow up to play an instrument (of your choice, of course, don't let you daddy force you to play a brass instrument) and let music influence your soul the way it does your daddy's and mine.

I still pray for you every day. I'm so excited that we are over halfway to meeting you face to face. Until that day comes, I'll keep writing you letters, love darling little girl!

Love,
Mom

Thursday is Coming!

2010-03-14T15:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Little Bean,

Thursday is finally coming closer and closer. I'm calling it "Revelation Day." You will finally reveal to your Mama here who you are! I'm so excited to know if you are a boy or a girl. I've felt since December that you were a boy. But when your dad touches my belly and talks to you, I feel like you're Daddy's Little Girl! I'm so excited about Thursday.

It's been so long since I've had a sneak peek at you. So I'm excited that I get to have a peek at you again. And this time, instead of being a little blob, you'll really look like the baby that you are. That's super exciting. I can't wait!

You're starting to move around a bit more. Sometimes, I feel it. It's so exciting when I do. I can't wait feel your kicks and punches. I know your daddy is so excited and he can't wait, either. He'll be so excited when he can finally feel your kicks when he touches my belly.

It's time to run for now, my darling child, but I promise to try to write more often!

Love,
Mom

Mommy Feels You!

2010-02-26T11:22:00.000-05:00

My Dearest Child,

I'm so excited that I can finally feel your movements. I still haven't really felt kicks or punches yet, but it's still super early for that. Mommy's waiting so anxiously, though! But I can feel you moving around in your temporary home and it's just so exciting. It's one of those more intimate moments between Mom and Baby that I reserved myself to thinking I would never experience. To be here with you now, knowing you are growing, dancing, moving around, it's just amazing.

Now, my child, with that said...I beg you to play nice with me. These hormone changes? They're not fun. Your Daddy tells you all the time to play nice with me. I've been more nauseous in the past few weeks than I had been up to that point. But I don't blame you, I blame the hormones of pregnancy. Mommy just likes to tease. You'll get used to that!

Only a few weeks left until I can see you again and hopefully, you'll cooperate so I can know if you are on Team Pink or Team Blue. I'm so nervous and excited about that. We have some names chosen, but once we find out what team you play for, we'll really look at those names and choose one that is perfect for you. I can't wait!

Until my next letter, be nice, don't beat me up too much, but I can't wait to feel your kicks and punches, sweet child of mine!

Love,
Mom

My little Love Bug

2010-02-11T17:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Bean,

It's been a little while since I've had a chance to sit down and write to you. I guess the difference is that now, I can talk to you. Although you can't really hear me yet, I still talk to you all the time. It still doesn't feel real to me. I sometimes question whether or not you are really living inside, in your comfortable temporary home. I'm so glad God chose you for me. Your dad an I are already planning for you. We started cleaning yesterday after being snowed in for the third time this winter. We are going to rearrange the apartment to better meet your needs when you arrive. I'm so excited about getting to know you!!

With Valentine's Day coming up, I've been calling you my "Love Bug." But don't worry, you're still Little Bean (Beanette). I can't wait to find out which team you are on, pink or blue. I don't have too many more weeks to wait, time sure is going by quickly!

Now, let me tell you a few reasons why I already love you. I love you because:

You are my first Love Bug.
You came as the prize for a long journey through faith and perseverance.
You are a child of God.
You are precious and beautiful.
You are part of me.

Oh, Little Bean, I'm waiting ever so patiently to meet you face to face. Until then, I love you more and more each day. I'm looking forward to knowing if you are a girl or a boy and getting to see you again on an ultrasound. Only 5 more weeks until that day. I'll try to wait patiently...

Love,
Mom

Scary Moments

2010-01-25T13:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Bean,

Your mama really had some scary moments yesterday. I woke up to find some brown spotting and my heart sank. I immediately called the doctor. Need to make sure you are okay, you know? You are a gift from God and just like with all gifts, I know that He gives and takes away. But I prayed to keep you.

So I saw the doctor today to make sure you were okay. What an amazing experience. You are so well developed already. I can't believe it. You waved at me with a perfect hand with five perfect little fingers. I saw your spine, and its beautiful straight line. It was such a wonderful experience. For as scared as I was, to hear your heartbeat again and see every part of you was such a relief. I am so glad you are okay. Everything about you is fine.

Keep on growing in there, my Little Bean. You still have a long time to wait to meet me face to face. Just stay healthy in there!

Love,

Mom

Still Growing

2010-01-16T11:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Bean,

It's still such a strange thing to know that you are living inside of me. You have taken up residency in my womb. It's amazing to think about that.

I'm waiting ever so patiently to find out if you are a girl or a boy. But it still seems like forever away to wait. It's another two months of waiting to get that ultrasound so that I can prepare for you, my love. Mommy wants to make everything perfect for you.

Your dad is getting more excited. He talks to you all the time. I know you can't hear him yet, but that's okay. He'll keep talking to you and one of these weeks, you will finally be able to hear his voice.

Your furry sister still doesn't know about you. I guess she'll have to wait until you are born to understand. She thinks she's the baby these days and since you took up a home in my womb, she has been more of a "Mommy's Girl." It's funny to realize that she knows that things are different, even if she doesn't know how. She was always "Daddy's Girl" and cuddles up on his lap to get her ears rubbed. Now, she cuddles up with me on my lap and wants to be loved. She's got a shocker coming over the summer when she realizes that she is a dog and not really a baby.

Until my next letter, my child, remember that Mommy and Daddy love you very much. It's such an amazing experience to know that you and I are a few months closer to meeting each other. 200 days to go until our expected meeting...

Love,
Mom

Little Hands and Feet

2010-01-09T11:01:00.000-05:00

My Darling Child,

I got a chance to see you again this week. 10 weeks in, still feels like forever until we can meet face to face. But time is going by!

I was so excited to see your hands and feet. How amazing it is! I saw your beautiful heart beating away again and got to listen to it. Amazing. Nothing is as precious as knowing you are finally growing, real, living.

My child, you are beautiful already. I can't wait to see you again. Although, that probably won't be until 20 weeks when I can find out if you are a girl or a boy.

I have fallen in love with you already, my child. A mother's love is undeniable. I loved you before I knew you existed and now, that love is just growing. My heart melts every time I see you. And each time, I see something else that is new, that has grown. You are precious and loved already.

Love,
Mom

Almost 8 Weeks In...

2009-12-21T15:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Bean,

Can you believe you are almost 8 weeks into your development already? I can't believe how time flies by. Your first Christmas will be spent inside Mommy's womb. But it will still be special!! I still can't believe that you and I are really getting to know each other instead of dreaming about that day. It seemed like it was forever across the horizon and then all of a sudden, you were here!

I get to see you again on Wednesday. I can't wait. It will be so exciting. I'm always nervous about, just wanting everything to be perfect. I know it will be. Your heart was beating so steadily last week, and that was unbelievable. What a feeling. I can't even begin to tell you how it feels to hear that sound and see the flickering on the screen of the little heart that is yours. Some day, when you are married and expecting a baby, you will understand the emotions Mommy is having. You will understand the love I have had for you since before you even entered my body.

Little Bean, this is just such an exciting time! I'm so glad you and I are getting to know each other and I can't wait for more passing weeks and months spent together.

Love,
Mom

Your First Picture

2009-12-09T20:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Bean,

I finally saw you for the first time tonight!! I can't tell you how exciting it is to know that you are really there, growing! I didn't hear your heartbeat yet, but you are still so small and it's too early. Right now, you're the size of a grape. Little Bean, that's little! But it's wonderful.

I got a little teary eyed when the doctor pointed to the screen today and said "That's your baby." He was pointing to you, of course! You're really here! I can't believe it still. I am in love with you, you are absolutely beautiful and perfect. You and I are going to get to know each other very well over the next few months! I'm so excited for your future life. Keep growing, Little Bean. Make Mama proud!

Love,
Mom

Almost Time to See You!

2009-12-04T17:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Baby,

You are growing nicely inside. My bloodwork says that you are moving along, growing, changing. It's so exciting to know that we get to spend this time together, getting to know each other. I'm excited to finally see you.

At this point, I don't know if there's only one of you or if you have siblings in there, too. I will find out soon. Mommy can't wait for the first ultrasound to make sure everything is going well.

It still seems unreal to me. I can't believe that you are no longer just a cheerful, beautiful dream. You are real, living, growing. I can't wait, Little Bean, to see you!

Love,

Mom

Thanksgiving's Little Miracle

2009-11-27T16:56:00.001-05:00

Dear Baby,

I never really expected our day to come. I've been so pessimistic about it that it just didn't seem possible. Well, my child, God is good. He has proven me wrong and blessed me with you! As of right now, you are merely a little tiny implanted bean. But you are there, and that's what is important. I've waited so long for the day we could meet in some way or another and that day is today!

Yesterday, my dear Aunt Flow didn't come to visit for the holiday. So rather than wait for her, I decided to check for you! And sure enough, there is was, blaring in front of me, a positive test, a representation of you. I didn't know how to react! For so long, it seemed that I was writing these letters to a child who would never enter life. But here you are, growing inside of me.

I had bloodwork today. The doctor confirmed that you, indeed, are here! Now, please, my baby, stick around! I want to get to know you so well. I can't wait for all the passing weeks, as I get to know you better!

Love,
Mom

Thankful For You

2009-11-21T10:14:00.001-05:00

Dear Baby,

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Right now, I'm in the waiting window again, waiting to see if this is our time to meet. I refuse to give in to my impulses, I'll just wait as patiently as I can for you. One day, we will find each other, and it will be a blessed moment. But I wanted to tell you what I am thankful for, since you are part of that. So, my list of things to be thankful for while waiting for you.

1. I'm thankful for your dad. He's so patient with me. It's hard waiting for you, day after day, month after month, year after year. It's been a hard road. But he's been going through it, too. He's been waiting just as long to meet you. And we'll wait as long as we need to. You're going to love him, whenever you finally meet.

2. I'm thankful for your grandparents. My parents are waiting so patiently for you and your dad's mom is waiting, too. They have prayed over you, loved you, thought of you, and held you in their thoughts and dreams. Just think, you aren't even here yet, or at least not that I know of, and yet you are so loved, so wanted, so needed.

3. I'm thankful for the road I've been on. It's been a long journey, but it's taught me about what is important, how much it will mean to have you here, and how blessed I am to have the family I have. You have made this journey worth every tear, every road block, every fork in the road.

That's just a little bit of what I am thankful for. I can't wait to see if this is our month to meet. But even if it's not, I will still be waiting patiently, praying for you, loving you. One day, we will be together, we will meet, and you will see all the things I'm thankful for.

Love,
Mom

Still Waiting for You

2009-11-12T20:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Child,

I find myself distant from writing letters as of late. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the daily trips to the fertility specialist, the shots in the thigh, the bloodwork, and all the gritty details of a medicated cycle. It becomes routine, just another way to live life. Some days, it's easy to not think about writing anything. Some days I wonder if I'll ever have you in my arms to share these letters with. But I know that God has a plan and even though I can't see His plan, I know His mighty hand is at work.

I worry sometimes that we will never be able to meet. But there are many great people praying for you. Maybe one day soon you will no longer be just a mere thought. You'll actually be a reality. In the meantime, I'll get back in the habit of writing my letters to you. I never want you to wonder if you were loved, wanted, needed. You are what I spend my days trying to find. Your dad and I are trying everything we can, whatever the doctor recommends. You are the ultimate prize and we are determined to reach the finish line. It would help if I could just start running the race. Seems that I'm still getting everything in line, training for the marathon.

My child, I will find you. The time isn't right yet. Only God knows the time and day that we will finally meet. I'll continue to wait, though not so patiently anymore. Please wait for me to find you, I'm coming as fast as I can.

Love,
Mom

Baby Fever

2009-09-25T20:04:00.000-04:00

My Dear Child,

My love for you grows every day. I can't wait for the day we finally meet! I'm wondering if I will find you this cycle. It was a relief last week to hear that I had three follicles that looked good. It's promising this cycle! But you are worth waiting for. I would wait for you for a lifetime if it meant we would finally meet and be together.

I've dreamed of you for a long time. I've had baby fever since I got married. That was over six long years ago. Now, I sit here, still dreaming of the day where I get to hold your little hands and see your precious little smile.

Be patient, my love, as I'm trying to get to you as fast as I can. One of these days will be our day. We will one day finally get to see each other and experience the love I already have for you. I'm trying my best to get to you quickly. Maybe you will come from one of this cycles eggs. Here's to hoping.

Love,
Mom

Still Climbing the Mountain

2009-09-10T21:06:00.005-04:00

My Darling Babe,

I continue to think about you daily. Even though you are no more than a thought or beautiful dream, you already have my heart. The love I feel for you is unexplainable. It grows stronger each day.

Darling Babe, it is such a long journey to find you. I feel like I am climbing up a mountain and I can't seem to reach the top. Or I'm climbing across a rainbow to find you, my pot of gold. I'm trying to be patient as I wait for you, but with each passing day, I'm more antsy. It's such a tough journey!

Oh, Child, I cherish this time I can spend writing to you. I know that someday, you will read these letters and kn ow how much I have loved you from before your beginning. Oh, how I can't wait for that day! There are many such days that I can't wait for. I guess you could say that your Mommy is impatient. But I smile at the thought of watching you grow up and become a young person in a quickly changing world.

My Child, always know that the things in life that are most important are worth waiting for. You are worth waiting for. I have no idea how long I have to wait for you, but I've already waited for two long years. The longer I wait, the more I want to meet you.

I keep reminding myself that I'm not broken. I'm not perfect, my body isn't perfect. But I'm not broken, or at least not completely broken. You will come some time. Maybe this will be the month, who knows! But I know that you are worth waiting for. You will be perfect, a little miracle. I'm excited for the day we meet. I'm excited for the moment when I know you are there. I know that day is coming.

My Love, until that day comes, I will still pray for you and your future. You will continue to engrave your preciousness on my heart. You are cherished beyond words, even though you are yet to exist. Remember that you are loved!

Love,
Mom

Isaiah 26:4

2009-09-05T23:04:00.002-04:00

My Darling Child,

It seems yet again that this is not the month you will be introduced to life and breath. So you are still just a beautiful thought. I think about you every day and about my desire to finally know that you are more than just a thought.

Oh, my child, I never thought the journey would be so long and so hard. There have been so many storms to battle during this journey. I was listening to one of Casting Crown's songs on the radio today that reminded me of the perspective I need to have while waiting for you.

"And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."

Oh, how I pray child, that you will have that perspective when you are an adult. Life is hard and things don't happen when we want or expect them to happen. Yet we praise God, for He has already gone before us and He knows our very future.

I can't deny that it is a difficult journey waiting for you. Nothing about it is easy. But oh, how it is worth it. My child, one day, we will finally meet. And some day far along the journey, I can tell you all the work it has been just to find you. I keep reminding myself that our day will come.

Oh, my charming Babe, I want to teach you so many things and raise you to serve a Living God. Our Savior is so gracious and loving. Even as I still walk through the storm of infertility, He is faithful and walks right beside me. He is preparing my heart for you. So many emotions go into Parenthood and God is still working on Mommy. I'm sure that when He feels my heart is ready, He'll finally let use meet. Oh, how I am so impatient for that day! I don't want to wait. I want that day now! Yet, it's not in my time but in God's time.

Until my next letter, know that you are a constant thought and I know deep down that our meeting day is coming closer.

Love,
Mom

Impatient and Waiting

2009-09-01T21:31:00.002-04:00

My Dearest Child,

I thought of you again today. Another cycle is ending in a few days and I can't help but wonder if this is the cycle when you begin your journey. But then, I remind myself that only God knows the day you will take root. He has prepared a life for you. I wonder what it will be like.

I cannot wait much longer for you to plant roots in my womb. You know the saying, "Bloom where you are planted?" well, I'm hoping you'll do just that! I must admit that I'm afraid of your root not taking a strong enough hold to bloom. It's a legitimate fear, as it is common for women (like me) who need medicine to help them create babies.

But I'm sure, my child, that you will come in perfect time and you will be perfect in every way. Can you blame me in the meantime for being impatient? Every woman dreams of the day when babies come and we can raise our perfect little families.

Until then, Baby, I will try to be patient waiting for you.

Love,
Mom

Unconceived

2009-08-31T20:42:00.002-04:00

**This is a poem written in early June 2009.

To my dearest unconceived child,
We are trying ever so earnestly
To begin your journey on Earth.
We spend many nights in tears
Because we fail at each attempt
To give you life, breath, spirit.
We pray over you constantly
As ask the Lord for you to come.
Yet you are still so distant
And still unconceived.
Only the Lord knows the day
When you'll finally be created
And begin your life.
Until then, we will keep praying
For no more failed attempts,
And no more tears of frustration.
We keep trying earnestly,
Crying tears you'll never see,
And waiting on the Lord.

Empty Womb

2009-08-31T20:36:00.002-04:00

**This is a poem I wrote June 19, 2009.

A full heart but an empty womb,
Arms that long to hold a miracle.
How long must I wait,
How many tears does it take?
A heart ready to love and adore,
Arms ready to cuddle and soothe.
How many years does it take?
Why must I wait so long?
I wait for that tiny miracle,
But yet it does not greet me.
My womb is empty and wanting
To be filled with a precious child.
My arms are filled by a husband's embrace,
Yet I long for that miracle,
To adore, cherish, and love that child.
How long must I wait,
How many years does it take?
How many more tears should I cry?
For now, I continue to wait,
For a miracle, for a precious child,
For my empty womb to finally be filled.

First Letter

2009-08-31T20:22:00.004-04:00

Dear Baby,

You are yet to be conceived, yet I think of you every single day. I long for that future day where I will be able to hold you. I can picture your perfect little fingers and toes. But I'm curious about so many things! What color will your hair be (your dad has blackish brown hair and I have strawberry blond hair)? What color will your eyes be (your dad has dark chocolate eyes but mine are blue)? How dark will your skin be (your dad is half Filipino and I am very white)?

Oh, my dearest child, I yearn for you so much. My womb is so empty as I wait for you to take up root and make a temporary home there. I am faithful in my trust that you will be created soon. Every time I see another baby, a part of me feels that unexplained sadness and emptiness because you are not here yet.

I constantly think of you. I wonder if you'll grow up to be someone who makes a difference in the world. I wonder if the musical influences of your dad and me will rub off on you. I wonder if you'll have an immediate love for your Creator the way I did when I was very young. but then the dear creeps in. Will you stray from your relationship with the Lord? Or will you stay strong in the faith you will be raised with? That very faith will hbe shaken. You will be tempted and tested. Oh, my child, you will be tested!

My toughest test is waiting for you, Baby. I only have my faith and hope to rest on. Your dad and I prayed two years ago about whether or not to embark on the journey into parenthood. Although the answer was "yes," it has been trial and trial and test after test. Yet, I remain faithful in my hope and trust that God will hear my prayer and that you will be resting in my womb soon.

Until my next letter, know that you have been loved since the day I first wanted to be a Mom. By the time you arrive in my womb, I will be overflowing with love for you.

Love,

Mom