Unconceived

**This is a poem written in early June 2009.

To my dearest unconceived child,
We are trying ever so earnestly
To begin your journey on Earth.
We spend many nights in tears
Because we fail at each attempt
To give you life, breath, spirit.
We pray over you constantly
As ask the Lord for you to come.
Yet you are still so distant
And still unconceived.
Only the Lord knows the day
When you'll finally be created
And begin your life.
Until then, we will keep praying
For no more failed attempts,
And no more tears of frustration.
We keep trying earnestly,
Crying tears you'll never see,
And waiting on the Lord.

Empty Womb

**This is a poem I wrote June 19, 2009.

A full heart but an empty womb,
Arms that long to hold a miracle.
How long must I wait,
How many tears does it take?
A heart ready to love and adore,
Arms ready to cuddle and soothe.
How many years does it take?
Why must I wait so long?
I wait for that tiny miracle,
But yet it does not greet me.
My womb is empty and wanting
To be filled with a precious child.
My arms are filled by a husband's embrace,
Yet I long for that miracle,
To adore, cherish, and love that child.
How long must I wait,
How many years does it take?
How many more tears should I cry?
For now, I continue to wait,
For a miracle, for a precious child,
For my empty womb to finally be filled.

First Letter

Dear Baby,

You are yet to be conceived, yet I think of you every single day. I long for that future day where I will be able to hold you. I can picture your perfect little fingers and toes. But I'm curious about so many things! What color will your hair be (your dad has blackish brown hair and I have strawberry blond hair)? What color will your eyes be (your dad has dark chocolate eyes but mine are blue)? How dark will your skin be (your dad is half Filipino and I am very white)?

Oh, my dearest child, I yearn for you so much. My womb is so empty as I wait for you to take up root and make a temporary home there. I am faithful in my trust that you will be created soon. Every time I see another baby, a part of me feels that unexplained sadness and emptiness because you are not here yet.

I constantly think of you. I wonder if you'll grow up to be someone who makes a difference in the world. I wonder if the musical influences of your dad and me will rub off on you. I wonder if you'll have an immediate love for your Creator the way I did when I was very young. but then the dear creeps in. Will you stray from your relationship with the Lord? Or will you stay strong in the faith you will be raised with? That very faith will hbe shaken. You will be tempted and tested. Oh, my child, you will be tested!

My toughest test is waiting for you, Baby. I only have my faith and hope to rest on. Your dad and I prayed two years ago about whether or not to embark on the journey into parenthood. Although the answer was "yes," it has been trial and trial and test after test. Yet, I remain faithful in my hope and trust that God will hear my prayer and that you will be resting in my womb soon.

Until my next letter, know that you have been loved since the day I first wanted to be a Mom. By the time you arrive in my womb, I will be overflowing with love for you.

Love,

Mom