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Dear Isabella,
Every night, as I rock you before bed, we pray together and I tell you that I love you. The thought occurred to me last night as I rocked you that you, in your still young mind, don't understand the full scope of what love is. So, I am going to attempt to paint for you a picture of love based on the experiences that you have had and know. There is no way to ever explain fully what love is, but I will do my best.
Love is battling infertility for over two years without turning back.
Love is carrying you for nine months, waiting for the day I would finally hold you.
Love is caring for your health, even before you were born.
Love is looking into the eyes of your newborn baby, getting teary-eyed, and then having butterflies in you stomach because life could not be better in that moment.
Love is holding your hand as you walk down the sidewalk.
Love is rocking you to sleep at night and cherishing the moments when we can cuddle.
Love is chasing you around the house while you giggle and run further away.
Love is getting up at all hours of the night to change your diaper, hold you, rock you, wipe your tears, and cuddle.
Love is wishing I could spend every moment with you, even when I have to go to work.
Love is that moment when you smile and me and my heart just melts.
Love is teaching you in the ways you should go.
Love is praying with you every night.
Love is praying FOR you every night.
Love is trading the morning news for a daily viewing of Sesame Street.
Love is sharing my bed with a squirmy toddler who wants to be wrapped up in Mommy's arms.
Love is carrying you around just because you want to be held by only Mommy.
Love is disciplining you and then giving you a hug.
Love is all of these things and so much more. Words cannot begin to truly define what love is. Only experiences can help you understand what love is. There are so many other experiences that could help you better understand what this "love" is that Mommy mentions every night and every morning. As you get older, you will better understand and I can add more experiences to help it make more sense for you. For now, I must go but remember, I love you forever.
Love,
Mom
Dear Isabella,
It's been such a long while since I last wrote you a letter. Things have been hectic and busy with the school year being underway again. But since you are quietly napping comfortably in your pack n' play, I can have a few moments to write you a letter.
I am so exciting to watch all the things you are doing these days. You always amaze me. As I watch you grow, change, mature, and develop, my heart can barely contain all the emotions I have for you. When I see the love you already have for your Daddy and for me, it truly melts my heart. You are such a Daddy's girl and although a small part of me misses the way you always wanted and needed me, I love to watch you play with Daddy, chase him around, and call out his name when you aren't sure where he went. Your face just lights up when he enters the room or comes home from work. You love Daddy so much that you basically kick me out of the house every morning when I'm getting ready for work. As soon as you are in Daddy's arms and Mommy dares to kiss him or you goodbye, you push me away and wave bye-bye to me! How dare I get in the way of your time with Daddy...too cute! I love things like that!
You still cuddle and snuggle with me. That is something I am so grateful for. You don't want to snuggle and cuddle as much, since you're always on the go. But those times when you do want to snuggle and cuddle, like every morning when Mommy is catching up with friends online and you want to catch up with sitting in Mommy's arms...that's a moment I enjoy. I love rocking you to sleep every night. Yes, I know, you really ought to be putting yourself to sleep once I lay you down in your crib, but I wouldn't give up my bedtime nursing and rocking you to sleep for anything! It's just part of the bedtime routine we've established with you.
Now, let's talk about this exploring business. I know you're off and running everywhere, but you need to start listening when we say " no" or even gently smack your hands after saying "no" more than twice. There are certain things that are almost like magnets. I think you must have a magnet in your body that attracts you to the printer, the telephone, the stairs, the dog's food, and anything in the kitchen. I know you like to explore, but you really can't be exploring the things that we've asked you to leave alone. It's just not nice. It's cute to watch you as you explore every nook and cranny of our house.
Back to how Mommy feels about you. I am just so much in love with you. I used to wonder how anyone could say that they love their child more than they have ever loved anyone ever before. I love my Mom, I love your Daddy. I love your Poppy. They are so very important and special to me. I love them dearly. But you, you take a special place in my heart. I know you would have a special place in my heart, no matter how I came to have you and know you. But I waited so long for you that you are beyond special and beyond wanted. You are so loved that my brain can't even find the words to write that would express the amount of love in my heart for you. I waited so long for you to join my life and reshape my world. Now that you are here and have blessed me with your beauty and love, my life has never been the same. For over a year now, my heart has been overwhelmed with such love.
I think you are waking up from your long, late afternoon nap. So for now, I'll wrap up this letter. Just remember that Mommy loves you beyond words. You are a blessing to all who know you. And for those who know the experiences I went through to be your Mommy, you are a blessing and very loved.
Love,
Mom
Dear Isabella,
Last night, you slept through your very first hurricane. It's rare that we actually get a hurricane up here in New Jersey, but we did! It was scary, I won't lie to you about it. Mommy didn't get much sleep last night. I may have slept for about 3 hours. But you? You slept on the air mattress in between Mommy and Daddy. I first had you in your Pack n Play, but when the tornado warnings started, I scooped you up and first went into the closet (we camped out in the basement for the night) and then took you behind the bar.
Oh, honey, it was scary! I hope and pray that when you are a mom, you never have to fear a storm like that. There were so many tornado warnings in the area for three hours. We thankfully never got anything like that. The Lord protected us, for sure. It's been windy, and of course, it's been windy enough that a piece of siding fell from one of the homes in our unit, but we're still not sure if it's from our home or a neighbor's home. The trees are still standing (for now) and I'm praying that the Lord continues to protect us as we go through the rest of the day with the tail end of Irene the Beast.
Mommy is so glad that you slept through the storm. You were restless at times, but Mommy wasn't asleep anyway, so it was okay last night. I can't even begin to tell you how it feels to hear the warning messages on the TV for a tornado, pray that you don't lose power, scoop a baby up, and go hide somewhere safe. I was very fearful of what Irene had to offer us, none of the things we would ever want. I never want you to experience a night with that many scary tornadoes touching down everywhere. I have never experienced that before last night, and I really would prefer to never experience that again.
This morning, the flooding is insane. They knew all along that the flooding would be the main problem. I am thankful that we got less rain that originally predicted, but it's not a whole lot less and many roads are flooded. Mom-Mom and Poppy still have electricity, but the basement has flooded. Aunt Peggy is by a river, but they did open the flood gates, so hopefully, the river will not rise above flood stage, since she chose to stay home. But only God knows what will happen!!
Oh, Isabella, I am just so glad we were able to buy a home that has been our safe place, our refuge. It has kept us safe thus far, God will continue to watch over us. Right now, you are sleeping on Daddy's chest and it's just a beautiful thing. It's a picture of peace after the storm. I love you very much!
Love,
Mom
Dear Isabella,
I find myself watching you in awe each day. I am just amazed at your curiosity. You are my little adventure seeker. You are always trying to discover what is new, what the room, the world has to offer you. You certainly are a joy to watch, as you amuse yourself with every new thing you find.
In the past year, I have watched you go from this little baby who fit so nicely cradled into the crook of my elbow to a big girl who is almost walking on her own and sleeps on Mommy like a big girl would. I've watched you go from the little newborn nursling who would fall asleep at Mommy's breast to the toddler nursling who is so distracted by anything and everything that you need soft music and a soft blanket to really get a good feeding session going. I've watched you go from the little baby who would laugh and smile when Mommy laughed and smiled to the big girl who laughs at The Wonderpets and smiles when she finds a "lost" crunchy on the floor. I've watched you go from the baby who we could lay in her swing and let her sleep to the baby who wants to stand at the coffee table and walk around it to see what's good on the other side. So many changes!
In one year's time, you have 6 teeth, long and tan legs, beautiful blue eyes than never did get darker, and a smile than can melt anyone's heart. You have learned to talk and you have your set vocabulary right now. It's always exciting to hear you say another new word. You have temper tantrums that could rival any two year old's tantrums. That could be bad news for later on down the road, but we'll get there when we get there.
One year, 365 days, seems like a lifetime. Yet, your birthday came and went and you are no longer counting your age in months.
You spent your birthday grumpy and clingy, but with getting over the ear infection, being on the Augmentin, and all the hustle and bustle around here, I don't blame you for the clingy nature. You're still a bit clingy, but not as much. It's nice when you give Mommy a break, even if it's just to write a quick letter on here to you and then go back to playing with you. Your birthday on Thursday was nice. Your Poppy made you a very nice cake (okay, it was for Mommy, too, since I didn't get a birthday cake from Mom-Mom and Poppy this year and he makes GREAT cakes!). You loved it so much that you stole a layer of it off of Mommy's plate and shoved it in your mouth! You really seemed to enjoy that cake. You got many nice presents on Thursday, and it was just a nice family time together.
We celebrated your birthday again on Saturday with a big party. You really are a special little girl and we are blessed to have so many friends who came out to share with us in such a special occasion. For as long as we waited for you to greet us in the world, it's exciting to watch you grow up. But you greeted all of your friends and family with your grumpiness. Yes, Queen Fussypants was in the house for the party. You refused to go to anyone else and you refused to eat your food in your high chair unless Mommy sat right next to you. Mommy couldn't even get the party prepped. I am so thankful for your Grandma, Auntie Olivia, Auntie Mandy (we also call her Aunt DeeDee), Mom-Mom, and Daddy. They did so much to get everything ready while Mommy held you so you could take a short nap.
Your party was nice, you did eventually have a good time, even if you refused to let anyone else hold you. You looked adorable in your little tutu and I'm just so glad we were able to share with so many people.
Now, as you move on to your second year of life, I wonder what new adventures are in store for you! I'll be waiting and watching for all the exciting adventures to come!
Love,
Mommy
My Dearest Isabella Joy,
Today, you turn 1. It's amazing to look at you today and realize how much you have grown and changed over the past year. Every milestone you reach and every new experience that delights you puts a smile on my face. I just love to watch you explore. There is so much for you to explore these days. You're intrigued by everything. Yet, just one short year ago, you were a beautiful, healthy, newborn baby asleep in my arms. A year has brought so much change, so many smiles, and so many tears (good and bad).
You are getting over your 4th ear infection right now, just in time for your birthday. I know they make you miserable, but it's all part of this thing call "teething." You need those teeth, I promise you that it really won't be that bad. Once they are all in, you'll be able to eat so many wonderful things! You just have to suffer through the discomfort of those teeth coming through the gums and the ears that cause you great pains. Those ear infections? That would be a big source of the bad tears. You and Mommy both had a good cry on Sunday. You were feeling so miserable, with your fever and your hurting ears. And there was nothing Mommy could do to help you. Oh, I wanted to. It broke my heart to see you in pain. We both sat and sobbed together until the ear drops numbed the pain for you. Mommy NEVER likes to see you cry. Thankfully, the good doctors gave us some medicine to make your ear infection go away. So you're feeling all better already, just in time for all the birthday celebrations!
So, now that we have the small talk out of the way, let me tell you all about how you have made me feel this past year. There is nothing more joyous and amazing than holding your firstborn child in your arms for the very first time. I cried before I even held you. Since Mommy had to have surgery to have you, I didn't get to hold you right away. But Daddy did and he let me look at you and kiss your sweet face. I cried. Never before had my heart known such love. I didn't think it was possible to love something or someone so much. I had butterflies way down in my tummy and this sense of awe came over me. There you were, perfect, beautiful, mine. Yes, indeed, you were mine. Finally, my dream of becoming a mother had come true. Nothing prepares your heart for that moment. The emotions that fill you up are overwhelming. I'm teary eyed just writing to you about that moment.
It's hard to believe that was one short year ago. A year seems like short time. Yet, in the past year, you have made me love you even more than I thought possible a year ago! My love for you grows each and every day. Just when I thought I couldn't love anymore, I love you even more! My heart melts when you look me in the eyes and say in your soft voice, "Mama, Mama." In the past year, you have made me feel like the mom I always wanted to be. We snuggle (though a lot less than we used to), we cuddle (again a LOT less than we used to), and we play together. Your love for me is evident and that alone makes my heart sing. There is nothing quite like a mom and there is a special kind of relationship between a mother and her daughter. We'll grow into all the good things (and the bad) that come from that relationship as you grow older.
A year. Seems like such a short amount of time. Yet, in a year, you have gone from the fragile, tiny newborn in my arms to the rambunctious, adventurous one year old beauty you are today. All those milestones, all the changes, all the growing in just one short year. It's like a lifetime condensed into 365 days. In that span of time, my life has forever changed. Nothing, no part of me, will ever be the same. You make my life more joyous, you fill it with more laughter, and you make my heart smile more than I ever dreamed possible. I love you more than I ever did before. Happy Birthday, my sweet Isabella Joy!
Love,
Mom
Dear Isabella,
It's been hectic around here as of late. I have not written you nearly as often as I should. And for that, I am sorry. But you keep me busy. You're crawling around everywhere and getting into a bit of trouble if I take my eyes off of you. So instead of writing you letters, I've been down on the floor playing with you. Right now, you are sound asleep on top of the first quilt Mommy ever made. You conked out early tonight, I didn't even have a chance to get you in your pajamas yet!
I find myself getting a little teary-eyed as I think about the fact that we are planning your first birthday party. It's so hard for me to believe that a year ago (almost), I truly became a mom when they placed you in my arms and you looked up at me with your newborn eyes, taking in whatever you could see. You were so tiny, so fragile. You were everything I had ever dreamed of and more. You had ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes. Your clear steely blue eyes were the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen (well, maybe next to your daddy's brown eyes). You were so little in my arms and yet so perfect. And now, somehow, a year has flashed before my eyes and I am planning your first party.
You amaze me with all the new things you can say and do. You constantly call out for Daddy. Of course, you also yell at him when you are in trouble or can't get your way. Your response when we say "no" is always "But DADADADADA...DADDY!!!!" It doesn't matter who says "no" to you. That is how you respond. You look straight at your Daddy with those sad little eyes. Let me tell you. Those sad little eyes don't work on your Daddy. Trust me. I know. But I love that you love your Daddy. He is one amazing man, that's for sure. You are one blessed little girl to have him in your life. He's a wonderful daddy. He takes great care of you and does a lot of things (like changing a diaper) that some dads refuse to do. He reads you bedtime stories, he sings to you, he gets on the floor and plays with you. You giggle at him so much. You are so smitten with your daddy. Of course, so am I, so I totally understand that. You have discovered your inner rooster, which is so amusing to me. After our most recent trip to see your Great Grandma an Great Grandpa in Kentucky, you came home crowing like the rooster. Too bad I can never seem to get it on video! You're on the go all the time, crawling everywhere. It's only a matter of time before you are walking. Hard to believe that my little baby is no longer little and no longer a baby. You have become a little girl in the blink of an eye.
I used to chuckle a little when people would always say to enjoy every moment of the first year because it will fly by. I thought "it's a whole year. How fast is a year really going to go?" Little did I know that it really would fly by. It's the most important year in your life, it's when you experience most of your firsts and thankfully, I haven't missed those. But this year has gone by so quickly.
So as your Daddy and I plan your first birthday party (which will be a wonderful celebration!), I just want you to know that I have cherished every moment of this first year. I wouldn't change a thing about it. I'm so blessed to have you as my baby girl. You melt my heart with your snuggles and your baby kisses. My life has been forever changed by your presence in it. I love you, Isabella Joy!
Love,
Mom
Dear Isabella,
You are growing up so quickly. There are days where I wish I could bottle up the first year and keep you in it forever. But I know I just can't do that. Like all good things (wine, cheese, babies), they get better with age. You are so different than you were a few months ago, but you are so amazing. Everything you do is exciting, adventurous, always changing. I love to watch you explore new things, discover your abilities, and venture into new activities. It's exciting as a mom to watch my baby grow up before my eyes. Every moment I get to spend with you is just amazing. I'm so thankful for the time I get to spend with you, especially now that summer is here. I get to spend every moment possible with you and I'm just thrilled about the chance to watch all the firsts you still have in store.
Speaking of firsts! You are closer and closer every day to walking on your own. You love to walk around the house, but you just can't do it on your own. You wait for Mommy or Daddy to take your hands so you can guide us where you want to go. It is always so exciting to watch where you guide us. It's only a matter of time before you take your first steps on your own. And then we better all watch out! You're going to be trouble on two feet!
I just look forward to that day and although I want to keep you as my little baby forever, all things grow and change. That's part of what makes life so exciting. I'll be waiting for those changes as you grow!
Love,
Mom
