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Dear Baby,
I never really expected our day to come. I've been so pessimistic about it that it just didn't seem possible. Well, my child, God is good. He has proven me wrong and blessed me with you! As of right now, you are merely a little tiny implanted bean. But you are there, and that's what is important. I've waited so long for the day we could meet in some way or another and that day is today!
Yesterday, my dear Aunt Flow didn't come to visit for the holiday. So rather than wait for her, I decided to check for you! And sure enough, there is was, blaring in front of me, a positive test, a representation of you. I didn't know how to react! For so long, it seemed that I was writing these letters to a child who would never enter life. But here you are, growing inside of me.
I had bloodwork today. The doctor confirmed that you, indeed, are here! Now, please, my baby, stick around! I want to get to know you so well. I can't wait for all the passing weeks, as I get to know you better!
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Right now, I'm in the waiting window again, waiting to see if this is our time to meet. I refuse to give in to my impulses, I'll just wait as patiently as I can for you. One day, we will find each other, and it will be a blessed moment. But I wanted to tell you what I am thankful for, since you are part of that. So, my list of things to be thankful for while waiting for you.
1. I'm thankful for your dad. He's so patient with me. It's hard waiting for you, day after day, month after month, year after year. It's been a hard road. But he's been going through it, too. He's been waiting just as long to meet you. And we'll wait as long as we need to. You're going to love him, whenever you finally meet.
2. I'm thankful for your grandparents. My parents are waiting so patiently for you and your dad's mom is waiting, too. They have prayed over you, loved you, thought of you, and held you in their thoughts and dreams. Just think, you aren't even here yet, or at least not that I know of, and yet you are so loved, so wanted, so needed.
3. I'm thankful for the road I've been on. It's been a long journey, but it's taught me about what is important, how much it will mean to have you here, and how blessed I am to have the family I have. You have made this journey worth every tear, every road block, every fork in the road.
That's just a little bit of what I am thankful for. I can't wait to see if this is our month to meet. But even if it's not, I will still be waiting patiently, praying for you, loving you. One day, we will be together, we will meet, and you will see all the things I'm thankful for.
Love,
Mom
Dear Child,
I find myself distant from writing letters as of late. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the daily trips to the fertility specialist, the shots in the thigh, the bloodwork, and all the gritty details of a medicated cycle. It becomes routine, just another way to live life. Some days, it's easy to not think about writing anything. Some days I wonder if I'll ever have you in my arms to share these letters with. But I know that God has a plan and even though I can't see His plan, I know His mighty hand is at work.
I worry sometimes that we will never be able to meet. But there are many great people praying for you. Maybe one day soon you will no longer be just a mere thought. You'll actually be a reality. In the meantime, I'll get back in the habit of writing my letters to you. I never want you to wonder if you were loved, wanted, needed. You are what I spend my days trying to find. Your dad and I are trying everything we can, whatever the doctor recommends. You are the ultimate prize and we are determined to reach the finish line. It would help if I could just start running the race. Seems that I'm still getting everything in line, training for the marathon.
My child, I will find you. The time isn't right yet. Only God knows the time and day that we will finally meet. I'll continue to wait, though not so patiently anymore. Please wait for me to find you, I'm coming as fast as I can.
Love,
Mom
My Dear Child,
My love for you grows every day. I can't wait for the day we finally meet! I'm wondering if I will find you this cycle. It was a relief last week to hear that I had three follicles that looked good. It's promising this cycle! But you are worth waiting for. I would wait for you for a lifetime if it meant we would finally meet and be together.
I've dreamed of you for a long time. I've had baby fever since I got married. That was over six long years ago. Now, I sit here, still dreaming of the day where I get to hold your little hands and see your precious little smile.
Be patient, my love, as I'm trying to get to you as fast as I can. One of these days will be our day. We will one day finally get to see each other and experience the love I already have for you. I'm trying my best to get to you quickly. Maybe you will come from one of this cycles eggs. Here's to hoping.
Love,
Mom
My Darling Babe,
I continue to think about you daily. Even though you are no more than a thought or beautiful dream, you already have my heart. The love I feel for you is unexplainable. It grows stronger each day.
Darling Babe, it is such a long journey to find you. I feel like I am climbing up a mountain and I can't seem to reach the top. Or I'm climbing across a rainbow to find you, my pot of gold. I'm trying to be patient as I wait for you, but with each passing day, I'm more antsy. It's such a tough journey!
Oh, Child, I cherish this time I can spend writing to you. I know that someday, you will read these letters and kn ow how much I have loved you from before your beginning. Oh, how I can't wait for that day! There are many such days that I can't wait for. I guess you could say that your Mommy is impatient. But I smile at the thought of watching you grow up and become a young person in a quickly changing world.
My Child, always know that the things in life that are most important are worth waiting for. You are worth waiting for. I have no idea how long I have to wait for you, but I've already waited for two long years. The longer I wait, the more I want to meet you.
I keep reminding myself that I'm not broken. I'm not perfect, my body isn't perfect. But I'm not broken, or at least not completely broken. You will come some time. Maybe this will be the month, who knows! But I know that you are worth waiting for. You will be perfect, a little miracle. I'm excited for the day we meet. I'm excited for the moment when I know you are there. I know that day is coming.
My Love, until that day comes, I will still pray for you and your future. You will continue to engrave your preciousness on my heart. You are cherished beyond words, even though you are yet to exist. Remember that you are loved!
Love,
Mom
My Darling Child,
It seems yet again that this is not the month you will be introduced to life and breath. So you are still just a beautiful thought. I think about you every day and about my desire to finally know that you are more than just a thought.
Oh, my child, I never thought the journey would be so long and so hard. There have been so many storms to battle during this journey. I was listening to one of Casting Crown's songs on the radio today that reminded me of the perspective I need to have while waiting for you.
"And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."
Oh, how I pray child, that you will have that perspective when you are an adult. Life is hard and things don't happen when we want or expect them to happen. Yet we praise God, for He has already gone before us and He knows our very future.
I can't deny that it is a difficult journey waiting for you. Nothing about it is easy. But oh, how it is worth it. My child, one day, we will finally meet. And some day far along the journey, I can tell you all the work it has been just to find you. I keep reminding myself that our day will come.
Oh, my charming Babe, I want to teach you so many things and raise you to serve a Living God. Our Savior is so gracious and loving. Even as I still walk through the storm of infertility, He is faithful and walks right beside me. He is preparing my heart for you. So many emotions go into Parenthood and God is still working on Mommy. I'm sure that when He feels my heart is ready, He'll finally let use meet. Oh, how I am so impatient for that day! I don't want to wait. I want that day now! Yet, it's not in my time but in God's time.
Until my next letter, know that you are a constant thought and I know deep down that our meeting day is coming closer.
Love,
Mom
My Dearest Child,
I thought of you again today. Another cycle is ending in a few days and I can't help but wonder if this is the cycle when you begin your journey. But then, I remind myself that only God knows the day you will take root. He has prepared a life for you. I wonder what it will be like.
I cannot wait much longer for you to plant roots in my womb. You know the saying, "Bloom where you are planted?" well, I'm hoping you'll do just that! I must admit that I'm afraid of your root not taking a strong enough hold to bloom. It's a legitimate fear, as it is common for women (like me) who need medicine to help them create babies.
But I'm sure, my child, that you will come in perfect time and you will be perfect in every way. Can you blame me in the meantime for being impatient? Every woman dreams of the day when babies come and we can raise our perfect little families.
Until then, Baby, I will try to be patient waiting for you.
Love,
Mom
