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Dear Little Bean,
Can you believe you are almost 8 weeks into your development already? I can't believe how time flies by. Your first Christmas will be spent inside Mommy's womb. But it will still be special!! I still can't believe that you and I are really getting to know each other instead of dreaming about that day. It seemed like it was forever across the horizon and then all of a sudden, you were here!
I get to see you again on Wednesday. I can't wait. It will be so exciting. I'm always nervous about, just wanting everything to be perfect. I know it will be. Your heart was beating so steadily last week, and that was unbelievable. What a feeling. I can't even begin to tell you how it feels to hear that sound and see the flickering on the screen of the little heart that is yours. Some day, when you are married and expecting a baby, you will understand the emotions Mommy is having. You will understand the love I have had for you since before you even entered my body.
Little Bean, this is just such an exciting time! I'm so glad you and I are getting to know each other and I can't wait for more passing weeks and months spent together.
Love,
Mom
Dear Little Bean,
I finally saw you for the first time tonight!! I can't tell you how exciting it is to know that you are really there, growing! I didn't hear your heartbeat yet, but you are still so small and it's too early. Right now, you're the size of a grape. Little Bean, that's little! But it's wonderful.
I got a little teary eyed when the doctor pointed to the screen today and said "That's your baby." He was pointing to you, of course! You're really here! I can't believe it still. I am in love with you, you are absolutely beautiful and perfect. You and I are going to get to know each other very well over the next few months! I'm so excited for your future life. Keep growing, Little Bean. Make Mama proud!
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
You are growing nicely inside. My bloodwork says that you are moving along, growing, changing. It's so exciting to know that we get to spend this time together, getting to know each other. I'm excited to finally see you.
At this point, I don't know if there's only one of you or if you have siblings in there, too. I will find out soon. Mommy can't wait for the first ultrasound to make sure everything is going well.
It still seems unreal to me. I can't believe that you are no longer just a cheerful, beautiful dream. You are real, living, growing. I can't wait, Little Bean, to see you!
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
I never really expected our day to come. I've been so pessimistic about it that it just didn't seem possible. Well, my child, God is good. He has proven me wrong and blessed me with you! As of right now, you are merely a little tiny implanted bean. But you are there, and that's what is important. I've waited so long for the day we could meet in some way or another and that day is today!
Yesterday, my dear Aunt Flow didn't come to visit for the holiday. So rather than wait for her, I decided to check for you! And sure enough, there is was, blaring in front of me, a positive test, a representation of you. I didn't know how to react! For so long, it seemed that I was writing these letters to a child who would never enter life. But here you are, growing inside of me.
I had bloodwork today. The doctor confirmed that you, indeed, are here! Now, please, my baby, stick around! I want to get to know you so well. I can't wait for all the passing weeks, as I get to know you better!
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Right now, I'm in the waiting window again, waiting to see if this is our time to meet. I refuse to give in to my impulses, I'll just wait as patiently as I can for you. One day, we will find each other, and it will be a blessed moment. But I wanted to tell you what I am thankful for, since you are part of that. So, my list of things to be thankful for while waiting for you.
1. I'm thankful for your dad. He's so patient with me. It's hard waiting for you, day after day, month after month, year after year. It's been a hard road. But he's been going through it, too. He's been waiting just as long to meet you. And we'll wait as long as we need to. You're going to love him, whenever you finally meet.
2. I'm thankful for your grandparents. My parents are waiting so patiently for you and your dad's mom is waiting, too. They have prayed over you, loved you, thought of you, and held you in their thoughts and dreams. Just think, you aren't even here yet, or at least not that I know of, and yet you are so loved, so wanted, so needed.
3. I'm thankful for the road I've been on. It's been a long journey, but it's taught me about what is important, how much it will mean to have you here, and how blessed I am to have the family I have. You have made this journey worth every tear, every road block, every fork in the road.
That's just a little bit of what I am thankful for. I can't wait to see if this is our month to meet. But even if it's not, I will still be waiting patiently, praying for you, loving you. One day, we will be together, we will meet, and you will see all the things I'm thankful for.
Love,
Mom
Dear Child,
I find myself distant from writing letters as of late. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the daily trips to the fertility specialist, the shots in the thigh, the bloodwork, and all the gritty details of a medicated cycle. It becomes routine, just another way to live life. Some days, it's easy to not think about writing anything. Some days I wonder if I'll ever have you in my arms to share these letters with. But I know that God has a plan and even though I can't see His plan, I know His mighty hand is at work.
I worry sometimes that we will never be able to meet. But there are many great people praying for you. Maybe one day soon you will no longer be just a mere thought. You'll actually be a reality. In the meantime, I'll get back in the habit of writing my letters to you. I never want you to wonder if you were loved, wanted, needed. You are what I spend my days trying to find. Your dad and I are trying everything we can, whatever the doctor recommends. You are the ultimate prize and we are determined to reach the finish line. It would help if I could just start running the race. Seems that I'm still getting everything in line, training for the marathon.
My child, I will find you. The time isn't right yet. Only God knows the time and day that we will finally meet. I'll continue to wait, though not so patiently anymore. Please wait for me to find you, I'm coming as fast as I can.
Love,
Mom
My Dear Child,
My love for you grows every day. I can't wait for the day we finally meet! I'm wondering if I will find you this cycle. It was a relief last week to hear that I had three follicles that looked good. It's promising this cycle! But you are worth waiting for. I would wait for you for a lifetime if it meant we would finally meet and be together.
I've dreamed of you for a long time. I've had baby fever since I got married. That was over six long years ago. Now, I sit here, still dreaming of the day where I get to hold your little hands and see your precious little smile.
Be patient, my love, as I'm trying to get to you as fast as I can. One of these days will be our day. We will one day finally get to see each other and experience the love I already have for you. I'm trying my best to get to you quickly. Maybe you will come from one of this cycles eggs. Here's to hoping.
Love,
Mom
My Darling Babe,
I continue to think about you daily. Even though you are no more than a thought or beautiful dream, you already have my heart. The love I feel for you is unexplainable. It grows stronger each day.
Darling Babe, it is such a long journey to find you. I feel like I am climbing up a mountain and I can't seem to reach the top. Or I'm climbing across a rainbow to find you, my pot of gold. I'm trying to be patient as I wait for you, but with each passing day, I'm more antsy. It's such a tough journey!
Oh, Child, I cherish this time I can spend writing to you. I know that someday, you will read these letters and kn ow how much I have loved you from before your beginning. Oh, how I can't wait for that day! There are many such days that I can't wait for. I guess you could say that your Mommy is impatient. But I smile at the thought of watching you grow up and become a young person in a quickly changing world.
My Child, always know that the things in life that are most important are worth waiting for. You are worth waiting for. I have no idea how long I have to wait for you, but I've already waited for two long years. The longer I wait, the more I want to meet you.
I keep reminding myself that I'm not broken. I'm not perfect, my body isn't perfect. But I'm not broken, or at least not completely broken. You will come some time. Maybe this will be the month, who knows! But I know that you are worth waiting for. You will be perfect, a little miracle. I'm excited for the day we meet. I'm excited for the moment when I know you are there. I know that day is coming.
My Love, until that day comes, I will still pray for you and your future. You will continue to engrave your preciousness on my heart. You are cherished beyond words, even though you are yet to exist. Remember that you are loved!
Love,
Mom
My Darling Child,
It seems yet again that this is not the month you will be introduced to life and breath. So you are still just a beautiful thought. I think about you every day and about my desire to finally know that you are more than just a thought.
Oh, my child, I never thought the journey would be so long and so hard. There have been so many storms to battle during this journey. I was listening to one of Casting Crown's songs on the radio today that reminded me of the perspective I need to have while waiting for you.
"And I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."
Oh, how I pray child, that you will have that perspective when you are an adult. Life is hard and things don't happen when we want or expect them to happen. Yet we praise God, for He has already gone before us and He knows our very future.
I can't deny that it is a difficult journey waiting for you. Nothing about it is easy. But oh, how it is worth it. My child, one day, we will finally meet. And some day far along the journey, I can tell you all the work it has been just to find you. I keep reminding myself that our day will come.
Oh, my charming Babe, I want to teach you so many things and raise you to serve a Living God. Our Savior is so gracious and loving. Even as I still walk through the storm of infertility, He is faithful and walks right beside me. He is preparing my heart for you. So many emotions go into Parenthood and God is still working on Mommy. I'm sure that when He feels my heart is ready, He'll finally let use meet. Oh, how I am so impatient for that day! I don't want to wait. I want that day now! Yet, it's not in my time but in God's time.
Until my next letter, know that you are a constant thought and I know deep down that our meeting day is coming closer.
Love,
Mom
My Dearest Child,
I thought of you again today. Another cycle is ending in a few days and I can't help but wonder if this is the cycle when you begin your journey. But then, I remind myself that only God knows the day you will take root. He has prepared a life for you. I wonder what it will be like.
I cannot wait much longer for you to plant roots in my womb. You know the saying, "Bloom where you are planted?" well, I'm hoping you'll do just that! I must admit that I'm afraid of your root not taking a strong enough hold to bloom. It's a legitimate fear, as it is common for women (like me) who need medicine to help them create babies.
But I'm sure, my child, that you will come in perfect time and you will be perfect in every way. Can you blame me in the meantime for being impatient? Every woman dreams of the day when babies come and we can raise our perfect little families.
Until then, Baby, I will try to be patient waiting for you.
Love,
Mom
**This is a poem written in early June 2009.
To my dearest unconceived child,
We are trying ever so earnestly
To begin your journey on Earth.
We spend many nights in tears
Because we fail at each attempt
To give you life, breath, spirit.
We pray over you constantly
As ask the Lord for you to come.
Yet you are still so distant
And still unconceived.
Only the Lord knows the day
When you'll finally be created
And begin your life.
Until then, we will keep praying
For no more failed attempts,
And no more tears of frustration.
We keep trying earnestly,
Crying tears you'll never see,
And waiting on the Lord.
**This is a poem I wrote June 19, 2009.
A full heart but an empty womb,
Arms that long to hold a miracle.
How long must I wait,
How many tears does it take?
A heart ready to love and adore,
Arms ready to cuddle and soothe.
How many years does it take?
Why must I wait so long?
I wait for that tiny miracle,
But yet it does not greet me.
My womb is empty and wanting
To be filled with a precious child.
My arms are filled by a husband's embrace,
Yet I long for that miracle,
To adore, cherish, and love that child.
How long must I wait,
How many years does it take?
How many more tears should I cry?
For now, I continue to wait,
For a miracle, for a precious child,
For my empty womb to finally be filled.
Dear Baby,
You are yet to be conceived, yet I think of you every single day. I long for that future day where I will be able to hold you. I can picture your perfect little fingers and toes. But I'm curious about so many things! What color will your hair be (your dad has blackish brown hair and I have strawberry blond hair)? What color will your eyes be (your dad has dark chocolate eyes but mine are blue)? How dark will your skin be (your dad is half Filipino and I am very white)?
Oh, my dearest child, I yearn for you so much. My womb is so empty as I wait for you to take up root and make a temporary home there. I am faithful in my trust that you will be created soon. Every time I see another baby, a part of me feels that unexplained sadness and emptiness because you are not here yet.
I constantly think of you. I wonder if you'll grow up to be someone who makes a difference in the world. I wonder if the musical influences of your dad and me will rub off on you. I wonder if you'll have an immediate love for your Creator the way I did when I was very young. but then the dear creeps in. Will you stray from your relationship with the Lord? Or will you stay strong in the faith you will be raised with? That very faith will hbe shaken. You will be tempted and tested. Oh, my child, you will be tested!
My toughest test is waiting for you, Baby. I only have my faith and hope to rest on. Your dad and I prayed two years ago about whether or not to embark on the journey into parenthood. Although the answer was "yes," it has been trial and trial and test after test. Yet, I remain faithful in my hope and trust that God will hear my prayer and that you will be resting in my womb soon.
Until my next letter, know that you have been loved since the day I first wanted to be a Mom. By the time you arrive in my womb, I will be overflowing with love for you.
Love,
Mom
